Dear Hillary,

I read somewhere that the government is going to ban any marriages between farangs and Thais if the farang partner is over 50 years of age. Surely this is a breach of basic human rights? What is going to happen for all those foreigners over 50 who have already married a Thai woman? Will the government annul such marriages? What are they trying to do with this legislation? Retired farangs put a lot of money into the Thai economy, but this will end with this kind of stupid thinking.

Angry

Dear Angry,

Did you have a look at the date you got the “information”, my Petal. It was April 1, and you (and many others) have become an April Fool. Only difference between you and the others is you were the only one to write in about the presumed grievance, which makes you an even greater April fool. Sorry.

Dear Hillary,

I’m sorry dear, but you do go on a bit about farangs who should learn Thai if we want to live here. That may be OK for you, but for some of us like me, it is not so easy when English is my mother tongue which seems totally different from Thai in every way. If we must, then where can old codgers like me go to learn?

The Artful Dodger

Dear Artful Dodger,

Now then ‘Artie’, I am sure you are not a pickpocket as that is who the Artful Dodger was in Charles Dickens, and Hillary can forgive your being unable to read Thai or speak Thai, my Petal, but are you blind as well? There are several language schools in town and they have their school name, and the languages they teach, all clearly written in English, your “mother tongue” as you put it. They have posts outside where you can tie up your Labrador and you can put the white stick beside your desk.

Dear Hillary,

I don’t know if you can help me, or at more than 70 it may be I can’t be helped, but I have a problem with my girlfriend. Her parents are alive and well and her brother manages to stay on his motorbike OK. The buffalo is not sick, as are the grandparents and she has no children that I know of. I do not ask for sex all the time, and at my age I am happy with once a week, and then it is best with Vitamin V as you call it. What happens though is that when my desires come up her’s come on even stronger and she wants to go for hours and hours, and since she is young she can, but there has to be a limit. What should I do?

V

Dear V,

You do have such a problem, don’t you, my Petal. But the answer is simple. You must stop taking Vitamin V immediately and when you can’t perform, your girlfriend can make up her own mind whether to wait till next week after you’ve managed to wind yourself up (instead of winding up Hillary) or find an alternative. V, if you keep coming (or going) this way, you will definitely die. I think it is time that you had a little chat with your wonderful lady and explained the real situation.

Dear Hillary,

My Thai girlfriend is wonderful - except for one thing, she is timeless. She will arrange to meet me at three in the afternoon and rolls up at four saying “Sorry I’m a little late.” I don’t think one hour to be a “little late”, that’s a lot late, surely. She has been even more late than that, but every time it is the same, “Sorry I’m a little late”. Have you any ideas that I could try to get this girl to be punctual?

Pete

Dear (Punctual) Pete,

Have you tried buying her a watch, my poor punctual Petal? I suggest you buy her a digital watch, or else it will be endless descriptions of “When the little hand is at three and the big hand is at twelve...” You could also buy her a mobile phone and ring her up quarter of an hour before the appointment to remind her. Then you could also get her a motorbike, so that she doesn’t have to waste time looking for a song taew. To keep the motorcycle serviceable, it should be kept under cover, so while you’re shelling out the shekels, you may as well buy her a little house. With that kind of investment you may as well marry the girl, so that next time you write to Hillary you can begin with “My Thai wife is wonderful - except for one thing. She is timeless.” My suggestion is to jump ship now, Pete, before it all becomes too much. Thais are not noted for their punctuality, and very few of them are ever ‘on time’. The concept is, that as long as nobody is killed because of lateness, there is really no problem. That’s life in the relaxed Thai world, and you may just have to learn to live with it, or keep moving on.