Dear Hillary,
When you go to any function here in Thailand, there are always some fabulously pretty girls as hostesses or promotions girls. How do you get to know these girls? Can you just bowl over and chat them up, or what? I’d love to be seen with one of these on my arm. They’re almost too delicious to be true. My mates at home wouldn’t believe it if I could get a piccy with one or two of them.
Kendrick

Dear Kendrick,
What sort of name is that, my Petal, that your parents lumped you with? They must not have liked you very much, I fear, but I’m sure you’re over it now and don’t hold grudges. Well, I hope not anyway. But back to your lusting after the “pretties” you see at functions. Yes, they are very pretty, and they are chosen for the position because of their looks. To look as immaculate as they do, most of them will spend a couple of hours before the function on make-up and hair styling. (Not like me, I can bolt out of the dormitory in under three minutes, but then I’m not a “pretty” am I?) You see, Kendrick, these girls are employed to be hostesses and promotions girls. That means they are paid. It’s their looks that they are selling. That is their job, and they have to do it well, or they don’t get another gig. So now you know how you end up with one or more of these “pretties” on your arm - you pay for the privilege, Petal, and you may even find that most of them don’t speak English. They are there for their looks, not for language skills. And you will pay a lot more for the photo opportunity than you would on Walking Street, Loi Kroh, Nana or Cowboy. And the girls from Walking Street, Loi Kroh, Nana or Cowboy can at least speak English, such as “Hello sexy man!” if nothing else. That’s on top of “Welcome” and “Sit down please.” Amazing linguists some of them.

Dear Hillary,
I invited one of the girls from the glasses shop in the shopping center to the movies and she said OK and would meet me there last Saturday after she had finished work. I thought everything was understood and I got there early and all, but she didn’t turn up! I know Thai girls don’t understand time, so I didn’t get angry, I just waited for an hour, but she was a definite no-show. I went back to the shop on the Sunday, but it was her day off, so I went back Monday and she just said, “Sorry, I forget.” Was that it? Do I try again, or will it be another slap in the face with a wet fish? What’s your opinion, Hillary?
James

Dear James,
You must be blinded by this girl’s beauty, as you certainly have not picked up on the message she was giving you, Petal. She was trying not to disappoint you by refusing your invitation, which is what Thai people do in these situations, so it seems as if they have accepted. OK, this does mean telling some white lies if the other party tries again, such as “Sorry, I forget,” or “Mother sick so I stay at home.” Should you try again? I don’t think so, James, unless you are really into wet fish.

Dear Hillary,
What is it with these Thai women? They don’t seem able to go anywhere on their own. I asked one sweetie to go to the movies, and she said yes, so I was looking forward to a good evening and you never know where it might lead. She turned up (late), but had another woman with her, who she said was her sister. No reasons given and it was expected that I pay for her ticket as well. I did, as I didn’t want to spoil any future relationship with this woman, but as soon as the movie was over, she and the sister just said goodnight and not even a thank you. Is this the way Thai women work? I don’t think I’ll bother in the future.
Bill

Dear Bill,
You don’t happen to know James (letter above), do you? I wonder if you went to the same movie? Was it any good? I’m sorry Bill, but you don’t seem to understand Thai women at all. The one you invited out was not someone from the entertainment industry (sounds better than beer bars, you must agree). The “sister” was taken along as the chaperone, as Thai women know what you farangs want with your “you never know where it might lead.” She knew where it might lead, and it doesn’t happen on the first date, my Petal. Or on the second. Or on the third. Thai women want to get to know what you are about and what sort of person you are before the relationship advances. And with good reason. Look at yourself and your question! Wham, bam, thank you Ma’am is not the way to a true Thai romance.