Dear Hillary,
I’ve met this woman in a city shopping center and she is obviously very interested in me, keeps touching me and the like. I’m from the UK and I’ve told her that I’m married already to a Thai lady but now she says she wants to be my geek. I’m not really into computers, so she can’t help me there. She doesn’t even seem like the type to be all that computer literate either to be into the geek world. Am I getting the message wrong, or what? I don’t want to embarrass myself here. I don’t want her to be embarrassed either. What do I do here?
Rod

Dear Rod,
You certainly are getting the message wrong here, my Petal. What this woman is telling you is that she wants to be your “gik”, which is a Thai slang word for a “bit on the side” as you would say in the UK. So if your marriage is important, I suggest you give your gik a goodbye kiss and high tail it out of that shopping center! The association with her will not be to your advantage.

Dear Hillary,
As far as I can see, most of the writers to your column are definitely in need of help, but not from you Hillary, but from a brain surgeon. Mainly to put one in their thick heads. What’s with these guys? They meet a woman here and next thing they’re buying houses and motorbikes, and then after that they lose the lot and come crying to you. Don’t they read anything? It’s not even the fine print. Everybody knows that foreigners can’t own houses over here, and here they go buying a house for someone they met weeks ago. Would they do that in their own towns with a girl they just met in a ‘bar’, without putting too fine a point on it? Do you know why this happens, Hillary? Is it the beer? Or is there some secret Thai herb the girls put in the man’s tea cup?
Ricky

Dear Ricky,
You are a fortunate fellow, being able to think this conundrum through. Taking last first, there is no Thai herb that I know of that can stop a foreigner’s brain from working. It has been said that many of these chaps check in their brains at the left luggage department at Suvarnabhumi airport, after getting a visitor’s visa stamp in their passport. I have to agree with you, Petal, it does look as if a brain transplant might be needed, but I like to think that, in my own little way, I might have stopped some of the crazy behavior and saved some farang’s bank account. Now, if I could only find a way for them to channel some of their wealth in this direction… any ideas Ricky?

Dear Hillary,
I will be coming to Thailand later this year and I am not sure how to handle the money side of things to take over with me, so I hope you can help me (you seem to be able to help everyone else)! I have heard that it is dangerous to use credit cards because there is a lot of credit card scams in Thailand. Is this correct? What should I do, I won’t be bringing much with me because I haven’t got much to spend, but I don’t want to lose it either! I used to use travelers checks a few years ago, but they were really a pain. What is your suggestion? I’m sure you know the best way.
V. Sa

Dear V. Sa,
I have to tell you right from the start, Petal, that I don’t have these sort of credit card problems, because I don’t have a credit card, mainly because the lousy editor pays me in one baht coins, so I just carry it all in my purse. A small purse at that too. But being serious for a while, as I know you are honest and earnest person, as a tourist the easiest way to carry money is to have deposited your holiday money in a debit card account in your own country and then draw on that when you are here at ATM’s, as you need it, and then pay cash at retail outlets. This way, nobody gets your card numbers on a merchant’s carbon copy, and by using the debit card, rather than “credit” card you won’t overspend. That is, as long as you are not buying a house for Lek from the local beer bar. As far as scams are concerned, we get our fair share, as do all countries in the world these days. Crime does not recognize international boundaries! Finally, if you are still worried about the security for your hard-earned money, you can try posting large numbers of unmarked notes to Hillary. Just put “chocolate bars” on the outside of the parcel, and the postman will not be suspicious. On second thoughts, do include choccy bars, and then I won’t be tempted to spend your money on chocolates (though champagne could be a problem)!