Dear Hillary,
We are looking at coming over for a two week holiday in November and wonder if it might be a little too hot at that time of year. We have been over before in June and it was hot then, and that was winter. We’ve looked through all the tourist brochures and stuff, but you can’t rely on them giving anybody anything other than it’s wonderful, come on over. That’s why I thought of you, as you at least know what’s going down and give people straight answers.
Mandy from Melbourne

Dear Mandy from Melbourne,
You’re from Down-Under, aren’t you, my Petal. Hanging upside down all your life has not helped you I fear. Thailand is in the northern hemisphere, Sweet Pea, and June is mid-summer, not winter, as it is in Melbourne. November is one of our coolest months, the end of the rainy season and a very pleasant time for anybody from the Antipodes. Temperatures are generally in the mid 20’s. Come on up, and a bottle of Australian Methode Champenoise would be nice!

Dear Hillary,
Last week you had a chap called Jimmy who was having trouble with his wife cooking Esarn food twice a week and stinking the place out. I don’t know why he was complaining so much, he has the perfect excuse to go out twice a week to any bar that doesn’t serve “Pla Ra” on the counter. So he can enjoy his sausage, egg and chips five days a week and a little bit of what you fancy on the other two days. He’s really got the best life ever, if he’d use his eyes instead of his nose!
Kev

Dear Kev,
I get the feeling you are just that little bit naughty, my Petal. I already advised Jimmy that all he had to do was to let his wife cook outside. I don’t think he was looking for an excuse to see what the local Go-Go bar was serving up. Not everyone wants to spend all their time (and money) in the bar scene.

Dear Hillary,
What is it with Thailand that it attracts guys that should not be allowed out without a nanny. Texas Tom the other week, all starry-eyed over the two girls (gorgeous, he said) from up-country and wondering if he was rude not to give them his hotel address. Hillary, you should have been more direct with this chap. You did say, “They knew where the expensive seafood restaurant was, and they ate well on your wallet and probably got a small tip from the manager as well. You were being worked over by professionals who could spot a newbie from across the shopping mall.” They could spot him all right, but he couldn’t spot them? Do normal girls approach guys in Texas in the shopping centers? How wet is that?
Larry from London

Dear London Larry,
I really thought I was being direct enough. After all, this was his first visit and he was suffering from jet lag. A little compassion is needed now and again, Larry. You are obviously an Old Hand over here, but cast your mind back to when you first arrived. I’ll bet you also took some young ladies to expensive seafood restaurants the first time you came over here from London. And I’ll bet that nobody ever came up to you in a London shopping center with an offer you couldn’t refuse, because people in London don’t talk to each other as all they’re trying to do is to get warm. No, Larry, it’s nice to see such well mannered tourists over here.

Dear Hillary,

I’ve come over to Thailand, but I am beginning to wonder if I’m just too young for all this. I’m 45 and living off the money I made in my life, before coming to here. I’ve not got a pension. I find that there are some really lovely and loving ladies around the place and I don’t need to chew down the “blue pills of happiness” as my neighbor calls them. I’m finding I don’t have much in common with the guys who prop up the local bar and their in-depth discussions. Where are my offshore assets, my triple bypass? I don’t dye my hair. Am I a bit immature for all this? What should I do Hillary? Or am I stuck in a time warp and can’t get out. Please send the answer soonest.
Gerry

Dear Gerry,
You have got yourself in a pickle, haven’t you my Petal, but luckily for you, I am here to guide you through the maze of ex-pat living in this country. What you are doing wrong is to get in with the local bar crowd. They are there, propping up the bar as you mentioned, because they are not 45 and living off their own money. They are lusting after the bar girls and think that these ladies of the night don’t know about their blue diamonds. They are worried about whether the triple bypass will take the strain as they try to be 45 again. Gerry, get out of the bars, go to Chambers of Commerce meetings and meet normal people your own age.