If there is a common pattern shared by many Thai-Western relationships, it’s
jealousy. I don’t have statistical material on hand to prove this, but would
guess that degrading scenes or outright aggressive behavior caused by jealousy
of either the woman or the man are very frequent compared to other forms of
relationships. But why is this so and what can be done about it?
Focusing on two of the most important factors in this very short article, let’s
look at the aspects of culture and environment. In Thailand, infidelity has a
long tradition and one difference to Western countries is that in Thailand, men
are usually not very discreet about it. Men of influence and wealth were even
granted ‘secondary wives’ until not too long ago (rumors say that it still
happens). For a woman, there are only so many years to find a good partner and
maybe a father for children, so naturally, she has vital interest to find
someone she can rely upon - or to ‘control’ her current partner.
In Thailand, however, this is a difficult task as many ‘farangs’ enjoy the
pleasure of being sought after, even if it is just for money at times. Many
girlfriends and wives of Western men living in Thailand feel threatened by the
many opportunities surrounding their partners. But actually it also happens the
other way round: Westerners whose partner formerly worked in the red light
business often can’t forget about their past and worry that his or her
determination to say ‘no’ to upcoming opportunities might not be as big as they
would hope for: ‘opportunity makes the thief’… or not?
Whatever the reason - once jealousy enters a relationship, things start to
change. An atmosphere of suspicion might develop, where one partner accuses the
other one of looking for other women or men on a daily basis. Some try to impose
control on their partner by checking their mobile phones or computers for signs
confirming their worst worries.
Needless to say that such a climate will gradually erode their feelings of love
and joy with each other with one partner sick of worries and the other one
increasingly getting tired of being controlled that tightly. Thus, often,
relationships with chronic problems related to jealousy either break up because
one partner can’t stand the burden anymore, or they turn into relationships
where aggression and sometimes even violence is a regular guest.
Often, building up trust again and discussing the feelings both partners
experience at home is not enough: it will need a ‘neutral’ atmosphere and
moderation for both sides to get heard. From my experience, I can not recommend
to give in to a partner’s desire for more control - if there is jealousy, it
might never be enough to calm her or his worries. Rather, the couple has to
regain a rational approach in which trust and pragmatism can grow again.
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Live the happy life you planned! Richard L.
Fellner is head of the Pattaya Counseling Center in Soi Khopai and
offers consultations in English and German languages (after making
appointments at 0854 370 470). |
