Dear Hillary,
I have grown particularly fond of a charming young lady from Pattaya. We exchange email across the globe on a regular basis in which she tells me how handsome, loveable and understanding I am. Yesterday I received a mail from her explaining that she was in a real spot of bother because she is sick and can no longer work. This has led to her being unable to pay her rent. Now although she doesn’t like doing so, she has requested that I send her some money, and she has given me the bank details of a charitable young Thai gentleman who has offered to marshal my transactions for her. I immediately went out and auctioned all my possessions and have withdrawn my savings from a high interest account. I was wondering Oh Helpful Hillary if you could a) tell me the most tax efficient method of transferring my funds to my Tilac, and b) if you would consider running some sort of charitable event to help her in her moment of plight?
Generous Graham

Dear GG,
What an amazing coincidence, your initials remind me of a horse, and probably the back end of it too, my precious Petal. A tax efficient method for funds transfer would be to just send everything in cash to the kind young Thai gentleman, who I am sure will be conversant on how to not pay tax on the windfall, so you can rest assured that whatever your Tilac gets has been tax free, less handling, freight, banking, grafting, slicing off the top and passing under the table and other minor charges against the sum which the young man in question will have had to impose. Unfortunately for your Tilac the only charitable events Hillary runs are for the Preservation of Champagne and Chocolates Foundation, of which Hillary is the proud patron. By the way, in your letter you didn’t mention the name of your Tilac. Her surname isn’t Pisinurai, is it?

Dear Hillary,
Like so many “elder statesmen” from the UK I have settled down here in Pattaya with a Thai lady many years my junior. Our association has been mutually beneficial, with me enjoying her company and the attentiveness for which Thai women are so famous, while I have helped her family out, including educating her two children from a previous marriage. We have been together four years now, but the requests for assistance have been getting more and more every month. It appears that every cousin, sister, brother are putting demands on my lady, and she just hands over whatever they ask for. I give her a monthly allowance, but that is gone in a few days as she gives it away to the “needy” relatives. If I had a huge bank account I would not mind so much, but I am living (and supporting people) on a UK pension in addition to the interest from my meager savings account. I do know that the Thai people value the family ties much more than we do, but surely there has to be a line drawn somewhere, Hillary. What do you say? Should I put my foot down and say no more? You will understand my position here.
George

Dear George,
First it’s Generous Graham and now its Generous George. I do understand your predicament and I applaud your taking the education of your lady’s children as being your responsibility. You are also correct when you say that Thai families do look after the members in it, but the main direction is upwards, towards the parents. Most Thais will send money “home” every month to help support those left “at home”. Having been with your lady for four years you should be able to sit down and discuss the problem with her. Only by talking will you get over this hurdle, and it can be a high jump for someone who is obviously thought of as a family “cash cow” my Petal. My suggestion would be to arrange regular payment each month to the parents and everything else be subject to discussion between the pair of you before any money leaves your account. When it become a little more difficult to milk the cow, the buffalo will come to look after itself!

Dear Hillary,
A friend of mine works for a magazine publication in Bangkok and he says your writing style sometimes does not represent the style of a lady, with the comments made. Is this true?
Jasper

Dear Jasper (carrot?),
What a silly, silly boy you are! Repeat after me, “I shall not believe anything that comes out of the mouths of journalists, especially ones from Bangkok.” Jasper, my Petal, even you should know that this is not true. Nobody actually “works” for magazines in Bangkok. All they do is hang around bars and denigrate the efforts of the real hard working people out in the provinces, such as Ms. Hillary. You have hurt me deeply, Jasper. I shall cry myself to sleep this evening over a bottle of Veuve Cliquot (vintage, of course). In the meantime I shall have another chocolate. You may placate me by sending quantities of one or the other, but preferably both.