Dear Hillary,
Is it usual for Thai women to go out in packs to karaoke bars? My girlfriend (Thai) goes out about one time a week with a bunch of her girlfriends (anything up to 20 of them), take endless photos of each other and roll back home in the early hours of the morning definitely the worse for wear. Is this their idea of a good time?
James

Dear James,
It obviously is a “good time” if they are doing it once a week. That should be obvious, my Petal. We go out in large groups as it is safer that way, and we don’t have to worry about being hit on by young lads like yourself. If you are having a problem with this, the person you should be talking to is your girlfriend, not me. If she’s driving home there could be a bit of a worry there. Again, talk to her and discuss all your fears and worries with her, not me, that’s a good chap.

Dear Hillary,
People are telling me that the way you can tell if a bar girl is lying is if her lips are moving. Tell me it isn’t like that. I come over to Thailand three times a year, and as I am only there for a couple of weeks at a time, there can be no long-term relationship, and I have always found that the bar girls are great companions, and none of them has ever given me a problem or ripped me off or anything like that. To my mind they are very honest. How did they get such a bad rep?
Aussie Gordon

Dear Aussie Gordon,
I believe that 90 percent of the bar girls do a good job, honestly and cheerfully. But many foreigners want to forget that the girls are actually doing a job, as well as performing a service (like the pun)? They will tell you what you want to hear, “I lub you too mut, darleeng,” and believe that if you like. I don’t consider that is “lying”, no more than the washing machine salesman who tells you that Brand X washes whiter than the others. His lips are moving too. Really, the bar girl scene is performing a service for unattached males on holiday. The problems only arise when the unattached male places too much on the standard phrases of the trade, and then when let down, bad mouths the entire scene. Continue with your holiday romances, Petal, just be careful, guard your credit card information, watch your spending and don’t buy her any Sydney Harbor Bridges after fourteen beers!

Dear Hillary,
I’ve ignored all your good advice and now realize I have been well and truly suckered in. OK, so I’ve lost a cheap house up in the jungle (I didn’t want to stay there anyhow) and a car in her name down here, but is there any way I can get the money (or at least some of it) back? We’re not looking at big money, probably a million all up, but I’d rather it be in my bank account, rather than hers. Any suggestions?
Rodney

Dear Rodney,
The first suggestion is to listen to my advice next time and not ignore it. You know the dangers now, don’t you, Petal. And there will be a ‘next time’, there always is. As you say, everything is in her name, not yours, so you would have to rely on her generosity if she wants to give you anything, and that’s probably not likely. No, chalk it up to experience, and look at ways of safeguarding your investments over here. Talk to reliable real estate people. Amazingly, there are some, who can show you how to protect any real estate property. The same goes for big ticket items like cars. Don’t rush in, Rodney, where angels fear to tread.

Dear Hillary,
I love reading your column, but I don’t come with promises of champagne or chocolates and I am sorry for that. I do have a question for you though. Do all girls in Pattaya flirt with all tourists or am I just a walking sign board that says “Here I am come take advantage of me”? Well I don’t really know who is taking advantage of who but at times I feel that there really is a spark, a kind of connection. Am I dreaming this or is this not possible?
The Day Dreamer

Dear Day Dreamer,
I do thank you for your kind words, though wrapped around a bottle of bubbly makes them even better. Try a little harder next time. Now to your specific questions - do all girls in Pattaya flirt? No, all girls do not. A percentage do, and that percentage increases exponentially as you approach the bar areas, until by the time that you have passed through the “Welcome! Sit down please,” threshold, the percentage is nigh on 100 percent. Is there a spark, a kind of connection? Of course there is! That connection is called “money”. As the T shirt says, No money, No Honey! Wake up and stop day dreaming.