Dear Hillary,
We just bought a house with a mortgage and we had to go to the Lands Office. My wife is Thai and I am from the UK. I had to sign a whole bunch of forms, all in Thai, and I was told that if I didn’t sign, the deal would be off. As far as I could gather, I was signing to the fact that it wasn’t my money, and that in the case of something happening to my wife, I could not claim the house. Why is this, Hillary?

George

Dear George,
Thai authorities have these rules so that you as a foreigner will never be able to own Thai land, my Petal. They are worried that if foreigners can get their hands on Thai soil through ownership or succession, they will be digging huge holes and shipping the soil to their own countries in large suitcases, and Thailand will end up as a sort of open-cut mining site. Yes, I am making fun of the situation, but all countries have some rather silly rules and regulations. This land ownership is one of ours, though you should have been advised by the real estate agent on what was going to happen - and why!

Dear Hillary,
Everything in the garden is nice and rosy, other than my neighbor’s banana trees which overgrow the adjoining wall. The leaves block the sun getting to my plants and the bananas stay on the tree and rot and bring wasps and flies. What can I do about this?

Graeme

Dear Graeme,
A machete applied to the overhanging branches will help, and eat the bananas before they get rotten. Simple, Petal.

Dear Hillary,
I wanted a hair cut so I went to my usual barbers the other day, to find it was closed. This was something new to me, so I drove around to see the next one, and it was closed as well. Asking around with my friends, I was told that all barbers close on Wensdays (sic) and it was a Wensday (sic) that I was looking at. Can you tell me why they all want to shut on that day. I had to spend the rest of the afternoon in the pub instead. Is it a goverment (sic) rule or what? Just sign me Hairy Harry.

Dear Hairy Harry,
Aren’t you lucky, it was just the Bar-ber that was closed, and not the Bar-beer (as they were over Buddhist Lent)! Your friends were correct Petal, the barbers close on Wednesday (write out the correct spelling 100 times, my Petunia). It is not a government (write this one out 100 times as well) rule, but comes from the fact that we consider it to be bad luck to cut your hair on a Wednesday, so the clever barbers may as well close, rather than spread the bad luck. It is something like the old religious edict of “no meat on Fridays” overseas, which gave the butchers a holiday as well.

Dear Hillary,
Every week I see all these old men with young girls in Walking Street. Some are tourists I know, but others live here. Bold as brass, down the street they come, arm in arm or arms around her or holding hands with girls that must only be one quarter of their age. From the leers on their faces you know what they are thinking. Surely they must know they are a joke? These girls are after one thing only and these old codgers are too stupid to see it. The men certainly don’t have any sex appeal left. Don’t you think something should be done about it, or you could at least tell the old duffers to stop making fools of themselves? Just print something to make them stop and look at themselves.

Ginger

Dear Ginger,
You are all spiced up, aren’t you, Petal. The problem here is just who is “making fools of themselves”? The old dears I see on the streets seem to be enjoying themselves no end. Well, most of them seem to have smiles from ear to ear. Is there a law against enjoyment in this resort city that was passed by the city fathers and I missed it? I do not believe that the “old codgers” as you call them, think that they have managed to find their dream girl out the front of Girlies a Go-go. What they have found is someone who is prepared to look after them on their holiday, don’t complain and make no judgments of their behavior. So what if the girls are “after one thing only” - if the visiting tourist is happy to look after his side of the bargain and the locals are happy to supply what the visitor wants, then why are we (sorry, you) pointing the finger of scorn? Lighten up, Ginger. Live and let live needs to be your motto. Or did this letter stem from just a teensy-weensy bit of jealousy? However, I have done as you asked and printed something. Hope you’re happy now!