Dear Hillary,
Have Thai people some amazing bladder control or what? There’s no public toilets so what do they do when desperate? I’ve seen adult size pampers in the supermarkets, but I’m damn sure that not everyone has secret underpants. Enlighten me, Hillary.
Kev

Dear Kev,
So it is the lack of public toilets that makes for “amazing” Thailand for you, my Petal? However, I can relieve you of all the mental (or bladder) strain very easily. You chaps get it easy. The world may not be your oyster, but it is at least your “pissoir” to use the French expression. Just do as the Thai males have done for centuries - any grass verge anywhere will do. But think of the plight of us ladies. We are far too polite to squat at the side of the road, so we have to be a little bit smarter. With so many hotels everywhere, we just march straight into the foyer, and the toilets are in the far corner on the right. Check it out! And by the way, I do not believe one word of the male boast that they just tie a knot on the end of Willy the Wonder Wand!

Dear Hillary,
It’s a new year and we will get another wave of tourists ready and willing for the ladies from the bar to empty their wallets so the buffaloes will sleep better at night. I am sure that this gives Pattaya a bad reputation, so surely there is some way that City Hall can get around this problem. Do you have any answers for them, Hillary?
Mal

Dear Mal,
I have answers for everything, Petal. Some of them are brilliant. Some are downright fibs, but here we go anyway. To be old enough to drink in a bar, it is assumed (often wrongly) that the drinker has a little bit of maturity. Unfortunately that often turns out to be just a very little bit, and size does matter. Honestly bar beer financial dealings never really hit the front pages, but the Beach Road scams do, and these are far more likely to damage the reputation of the city. Considering that City Hall can’t organize the traffic these days, I don’t think City Hall will intervene in the sick buffaloes. I have given up suggesting that the lemmings coming over read Stephen Leather’s “Private Dancer” as I think most cannot read either.

Dear Hillary,
What with all the Eurozone doom and gloom internationally, countries going bankrupt (you can buy Portugal for an easy down payment and a few shekels a week) and America falling off its own fiscal cliff, rice prices going through the roof, petrol becoming a commodity nobody can afford, do you think this will produce a knock-on in the charges in the red light areas in Thailand?
Robert

Dear Robert,
For once I am stumped for words. I am not sure what you mean, Petal. What are these things called “Red light areas”? Do you mean the traffic lights, but these are also orange and green and are ignored by all road users as being unimportant, so I presume that wasn’t what you meant. If you mean the bar areas, then you should be more specific, Petal. With rice, the staple food in Thailand doubling in price, one must expect that beer, the staple drink in the bar areas, will also be going up in price. I cannot think of any other costs in the bar areas, as prostitution is against the law as the nice policeman told me, and therefore does not happen. A “knock-on” as you describe perhaps gives rise to the term “knocking” that some shops get called, but that’s way out of my understanding, my Petal. Perhaps you mean donations to one’s favorite Buffalo Rehabilitation Unit (BRU) that may have to be increased, but this I am not sure of. I suggest discreet questions to the mamasans might yield better results than asking me, but perhaps you should wear a parachute, in case you have to jump off that fiscal cliff!

Dear Hillary
One of our receptionists is very attractive and I would like to get to know her better. I am not the pushy type, so can’t just go up to her and ask her out. She knows my name and if I meet her in the car park she is always very chatty and will hold my arm with her hand. She doesn’t wear any rings, so I don’t think she is married or anything like that. She did ask the other day what I was getting her for Christmas, and I almost fell over, but then missed my opportunity again. Do you think she is interested? What is the next move, and please don’t say just to go and ask her out.
Bashful Bob

Dear Bashful Bob,
Even though Thai people are very shy, this girl is giving you a message. Buy her a box of chocolates and quietly leave them on her desk. Put a card with them saying “From Bob for New Year” and your phone number. If she rings you to thank you, then ask her out for dinner.