Features

Dear Hillary,
I just read an article in the dining out column where Don, Aka Nod, said for B. 450 they should dish up the whole sheep. This is more of a Legal or Moral question than a relationship one.
Many years ago I worked as a mechanic in outback Australia. My boss also ran a property with 20000+ sheep. He would sell me 1 sheep for $3.00 on the condition that I drove out there, selected a beast, killed and dressed it myself.
Being of good Irish Stock whose ancestors had been shipped to Australia on trumped up charges of stealing, I would round up two mates and drive out there and select a beast each.
We now had three sheep for an outlay of $3.00. I also had three hides that would fetch $4.00. By now I was showing a profit of one dollar and had enough lamb to feed me well till next time.
I know my boss was claiming losses on his taxes. So using the logic of the local priest (Irish) I was helping him out and the good lord would have no trouble with me if a leg of mutton were to show up at the manse back door.
I don’t know the statute of limitations on duffing but I fear I may be sent down rather than up when my time comes.
Please Hillary help me out. (Psst if you are heading down under I can let you have a nice sheepskin vest at a good price.)
Bryan

Dear Bryan,
You have me totally confused, but thank you for your email and the offer of a woolly vest, just what I need in our tropical paradise! I also don’t quite understand what you want me to help you out with? Alter your course of destination from the fires of Hell to the balmy pursuit of the Heaven in the clouds which has herds of sheep for the taking and lamb chops for dinner? I am also a trifle worried with your information that your boss insisted you dress the sheep yourself. I didn’t know that Australian sheep wear dresses, but it probably goes a long way towards my understanding of some of the culture from Down-Under.

Hi Hillary,
First, I appreciate your column. Always get some insight and enjoyment. Kinda have to disagree with an house, an horse... I always say a house/ a horse/ a home... if I am wrong ... no problem... It won’t be the first time or last... keep writing... Thanx,
Joe

Dear Joe,
It all gets down in the end to what is called “common usage”, like the “got” or “gotten” idea, Petal. Personally I don’t worry about these things, as long as nobody is trying to drag me off to an hotel, or even a hotel, unless there is some Veuve Clicquot and Belgian chocolates in the dining salon!

Dear Hillary,
I agree with you that ‘an’ should come before a noun beginning with any of the vowels. In English, where a word begins with the letter “H”, this consonant must always be pronounced, although English people never do. So it is not an ‘orse, an ‘otel, an ‘ouse. It is a horse, a hotel, a house. The only European language to drop the “H” is French.
As to Robert’s comments on British accents, having worked on drilling rigs around the world for 25 years and known Americans from “Loozana Coonass”, Louisiana Cajun up through all of the Redneck states to the big city of “Noo Yoik”, New York, I have liked and understood them and they me.
The British Empire was guilty of many massacres, and for this I am ashamed, but the British people never took part in state sponsored genocide as did the Americans against their own native tribes.
I am an articulate, multilingual Scotsman looking forward to independence from the remnants of the Empire.
Don

Dear Don,
What have I started? What have I done, Don? How do I gotten off this runaway ‘orse? We’ve even got ‘ercule Poirot waiting in the wings as well. I have heard the statement that Britain and the USA are “separated by a common language” even if just in the pronunciation of tomato or tomayto, and we’ll not get (gotten) into the argument over elevators and lifts.
Anyway, let’s get into something easy like jilted boyfriends and walking ATMs. I’m better equipped for those!

Dear Hillary,
Can you recommend a good computer technician? Every time my computer breaks down, the technician takes it away to fix it, and returns it several days later and when I go to use it, something else has packed up. “You haven’t got enough RAM,” seems to be the catchword with these people, but even after buying more, the problems are still there. Any ideas, Hillary?
Frazzled

Dear Frazzled,
You’re lucky it’s only a RAM problem. I’ve bought a veritable sheep station of RAMs and now they’re telling me it is my operating system that is no good. I ask you, what’s wrong with Windows 1946? It worked before, why not now? Honestly Petal, I have no idea about this modern technology. Bring back faxes, I say. I could understand those.