Dear Hillary,

The New Year is on us again, and I just want to wish you all the best for 2011 and please enjoy the chocolates and the bubbly which I got my friend to take over for you. I’d like to share them with you, but I am one of your fans from overseas and I don’t think I will be able to visit your beautiful country until 2012, so I’ll just keep on hoping, and reading you every week.
Jim

Dear Jim,
What a lovely person you are, and yes the goodies did arrive, even though I was not able to receive them in person, the staff at the Pattaya Mail kept them for me. Thank you again, my Petal, and I look forward to 2012.

Dear Hillary,
I’m back! I had to leave because of some migration problems. I long overstayed my visa and had to get the flock out of here. I am happy to see my vision of changing the name of Pattaya to just ‘WOW’. Like my misspelled tatto (sic) that was supposed to be ‘MOM’, someone has copied my idea (OK) and started a business on Second Road called ‘California WOW’. Although I am not from California / gay, but completely homogenous it is a start. Bottoms up! No, I’m not gay! By the way the movie guy called you an octogenerian (sic) on his Dec 17 column. Does that mean you have eight arms and legs or are VERY old?
Singha Jerry

Dear Singha Jerry,
Thank you for your email, and sorry to hear of the deportation problems. Mind you, I would have also deported you for abuse of the English language. If you must sport a tattoo, the least you could do is learn how to spell the wretched thing. And an ‘octogenarian’ is someone who is in their 80’s. By the way, I don’t really see why I have to be regaled with all these protestations referring to your sexual persuasion. I really don’t mind if you lust after a tortoise. As they say in Thailand “Up to you!” And while you have a few spare moments over New Year look up Malapropisms.

Dear Hillary,
Where are you going for New Years, Petal? Fancy coming out with me to watch the fireworks, and maybe setting off a few fireworks of our own? Could be fun, eh? Dinner first and then dancing. Sounds good?
Mark

Dear Mark,
I’m sorry Petal, but these days I crawl into my bunk at around 9 p.m. and wish myself a Happy New Year. After all, 9 p.m. in Thailand is midnight in New Zealand, so I’m still on time.

Dear Hillary,
You have often mentioned books that newcomers to Thailand should read and you should add “Falangs in Thailand” to that list. This cartoon book by Mike Baird is based on truth and everyone who laughs at the drawings should also remember that (it is based on truth). The cartoonist must have spent a lot of time watching what goes on in Pattaya, but what he shows is the same for Bangkok, Phuket and Chiang Mai. “Private Dancer” by Stephen Leather is another that anyone who spends time in the bars should read. Stay there long enough and it will happen to you, so be warned. I hope this helps, Hillary. I enjoy your column.
Kevin

Dear Kevin,
Thank you for the information about suitable books, and I have looked at both and do agree with your ideas. Unfortunately, I think many young chaps who come here (and some not so young as well) don’t seem to be able to read. Perhaps the cartoon books will be better for them, as long as they realize that Mike Baird is being very satirical. We can only hope, Petal. We can only hope.

Dear Hillary,
The other night in the bar we had a discussion whether Thai females are romantic. I say that they are, but my drinking buddies all say not. They said that all they are interested in are large amounts of gold, and the larger the better, and a limitless ATM card. Surely there are still some gals out there who appreciate roses and chocolates (apart from you, Hillary)? I need you to back me up here, Hillary.
Rose

Dear Rose,
Such a lovely name, and chocolates and roses are nice, but I prefer champagne and chocs. You can’t snack on roses, now can you! Of course there are romantic ladies left in Thailand, other than myself. It sounds to me as if your drinking buddies are looking for ladies from the wrong watering holes. The professional ladies who come to the surface with the buffalos in tow are certainly only looking for gold. That is their business, their profession (and an old one at that). However, by looking in the universities, offices and even department stores, you will find ladies who appreciate being appreciated. You are correct, Rose. Your friends are taking too narrow a sample to base their findings. You don’t have rose colored glasses. Your drinking buddies are looking at life through beer glasses.