A financial glossary
“Investors back historic Greek debt swap”
- FT headline 9.3.2012.
Bank, n. Bottomless cavity in the ground that sucks in
money and the unwary.
I had quite a bit of money but then I put it in the bank.
Bond, n. A profitless contrivance used for catching the
gullible or feeble-minded.
That pension fund is 100% in bonds now.
Broker, adj. A comparative descriptive state for a client
of a Wall Street bank.
He didn’t exactly have a lot of money before he started
dealing with Goldman Sachs. Now he’s even broker.
Bubble, n. Fundamental prerequisite for a functioning
Anglo-Saxon economy.
We need a new bubble to replace the ones we had in dotcom and
property.
Central Bank, n. Lobbyist for commercial banks well
versed in alchemy.
Currency, n. Largely intangible substance with an
inherent property that tends to instantaneous evaporation, the destruction of
life and the permanent impairment of wealth.
I had money once but then I exchanged it for currency in a
moment of madness.
Default, n. Semi-mythical celestial occurrence that
passes by Earth every 76 years.
I was worried for a second about that Greek default, but I
realise there’s nothing to see now and all is well.
Federal Reserve, n. A wholly owned subsidiary of Goldman
Sachs.
The Federal Reserve voted to give a few more billion dollars
to Wall Street.
Greece, n. An undesirable or unfortunate happening that
occurs unintentionally but results in harm, injury, damage and colossal loss of
wealth. And profits for Goldman Sachs.
Did you see Greece? Sheesh.
Horlick, n. Progressive and insufficiently appreciated
investment visionary.
House, n. In most countries, simply a place to live. In
Britain, a theoretically infinite source of perpetual tax revenue for deluded
Lib Dems.น
(นThis is tautological. - Ed.)
Investor, n. Plucky protagonist admired for brave deeds
and quixotic struggling who is about to get shafted by Wall Street interests.
I was an investor in euro zone sovereign bonds but then
everything went Greek.
Japan, n. Where hopes of profit go to die.
Keynes, n. Slang: Vulgar. Disparaging and offensive.
That joker Posen is a complete Keynes.
Politician, n. Someone better informed than you about how
to spend your money.
Ratings Agency, n. A professional entertainer who amuses
by relating absurd and fantastical tales.
That ratings agency’s credit assessment was so funny, I had
to change my trousers.
Restructuring, n. Statutory rape.
Those bondholders are undergoing a voluntary restructuring -
you might even call it a ‘credit event’.
Rogue Trader, n. Unprofitable proprietary trader.
(Hat-tip to Killian Connolly.)
Society, n. The process whereby wealth is diverted from
taxpayers to banks.
Taxpayer, n. Simple-minded dolt too foolish to be working
for the government.
US Government, n. Another wholly owned subsidiary of
Goldman Sachs.
We seem to be running out of Goldman Sachs alumni here in the
Treasury. No, wait, we’ve still got hundreds of ‘em.
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