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Dear Hillary,

Where did you study history? Certainly not in Australia or Tasmania. I don’t think you studied any African history either. The Chinese have certain recollections of the “concession” ports they had to cede while their people were addicted to opium grown in India all for British profit. And among the many massacres who have been more prolific than the British? Who has been crueler or more self interested than they? The Native American experience was a horrible one. Perhaps if we had successfully spoken German we would have been more peaceful than you. It is enough to make me want to send “Long shanks” back to Scotland to clear up your misconceptions and historical errors. No British genocides? My god! Hillary I have held my peace this past week, but you deserve this and more because you chose to denigrate an ally to your country while you overlook the 180 countries Britain has invaded.
Robert
Dear Robert,
Pray tell, just why is it you think I “deserve this”? I have never been to Tasmania, though I am told they only use 10 surnames and that includes the sheep. (Joke, Robert, told to me by an Aussie.) Is all this because a Scotsman pointed a finger at America? It wasn’t me, Petal, it was Don who called himself “an articulate, multilingual Scotsman looking forward to independence from the remnants of the Empire.” Well, unfortunately for Don, the No Vote was more than the Yes Vote, but now I am getting the blame for Don’s “misconceptions and historical errors.” “Longshanks” didn’t come within a 10 baht taxi ride on a songthaew either, but he was very good at raising taxes I believe. He would have fitted in well with today’s ruling political parties (other than Tasmania). Now can we get back to heartbroken swains and female accountants who work in beer bars?

Dear Hillary,
This sounds silly, but I come over as a tourist from the UK three times a year. The only thing I really miss is my cup of tea in the mornings. Where can I get a good cup of tea?
Jenny
Dear Jenny,
Tea never sounds silly. In Japan they make a ceremony out of serving delicate cups of tea. Chinese green tea is said to be slimming. Indian teas are reputed to be healing, Pitta tea with its mix of Cardamom, Liquorice, Ginger, Cinnamon and rose petals is recommended for it’s cooling effect and to balance the mind and body when irritable and impatient. Being a Brit, I am guessing that you are addicted to Twinings Earl Grey or Lemon Scented. My advice to you is either bring your own over, or buy it here from one of the local grocery markets, such as Friendship. Then again have you ever tasted the great Thai tea? A lot of little roadside restaurants make it. It is just a matter of wandering around and asking, “Cha ron mai?” that means “Hot Tea no?” It comes in a glass, hot, a bright orange color with a lemony taste. Drink it without milk and just a squeeze of lemon. Enjoy.

Dear Hillary,
I know Thai girls wear mini-skirts, but the office girl at work seems to be wearing shorter skirts every day. Should I say anything to her, or would she take offence? This is a genuine question, Hillary.
Alan
Dear Alan,
What’s wrong? Has she got lousy legs? But before you do something you might regret, is it your position to say anything to her, are you her employer? If so, and you must do something, very tactfully explain that you would prefer her to wear knee length skirts or dresses, because you do not want to get any of the clients over excited. If you are not her boss, then I guess you just have to grin and bear it, although it sounds as if she’s the one grinning and baring it. You could always wolf-whistle every time she passes and say, “Ooh ooh ohh, sexy knickers!” Bear in mind though that she might resign - or is that “bare” in mind? Oh, forget it!

Dear Hillary,
Please to read this because it is real and a big problem for me. I cannot understand the farang man. They say they do everything for you and then they not do. They say they not forget you and to send money and they not do, or maybe do for one two month only. Why they do this to Thai lady? I do everything for them and stay in room with them.
Nana
Dear Nana,
Thank you for your letter, and your English is good enough. No problem. Hillary knows it can be very difficult to understand the farang way of thinking and speaking. Even after many years it is still difficult, because you are a Thai and think like a Thai. They are farang and think in a different way. What is important for you is not always so important for them. You must also remember that when they are over here on holidays, it is very different to their own country, so they will often say things they do not really mean. Sorry, but that is the truth. Enjoy the company while they are here, but that’s all.