Features

Singing in the rain
Pattaya viewers with Thai Sky or IBC TV have often wondered why the screen goes blank during rainstorms. A recent circular from the head office states that Thai rain drops are longer than the bands used by the satellite in the sky, thus interrupting transmission. Now you know.
Great PR for Pattaya
A street vendor plying the bars with illegal cigarettes, also sells imported condoms. A notice in English on his tray quotes, ‘AIDS is big in Pattaya , by a pack of condoms if you want to return healthy next year’.
Big foot in town
At last, Lotus superstore has in stock very big boots and shoes, up to size 12 (Euro 46) Must be another sign that O.J. Simpson is heading this way after his civil trial is over. Disappointing, though, that Lotus does not cater more for Farang readers in its bookstore.
Curry Mile
If you like a curry with plenty of sauce, try Amor restaurant situated in the short Soi between Pattayaland Two and Three. Their Indian curry comes with meat, fish or vegetarian style. An attractive dish of pickles accompanies your meal.
No GO GO
Some of Pattaya’s gay club’s seem to be having raids on monthly basis. As the police charge into one, a Katoy was singing the famous love song “Que Sera Sera, what ever will be, will be” She had just got to the lines, “Will I be chosen? Will I be next?” The answer was apparently a 500 baht fine and a short time in the local monkey-house.
Puff away
Thinking of giving up smoking for the New Year’s resolution? Could be hazardous if you are older. ASH, the anti-smoking group, writes in a recent circular, “Research shows that people over 50 who abandon cigarettes do not live anymore.” What’s that? Another pack of 20 please.
Crimson cheek
The news that prostitutes are smearing themselves with a sleep-induced red liquid is causing panic amongst customers seeking oral gratification. Sales of Fanta raspberry are plummeting whilst supermarkets are running out of scrubbing brushes. Bars such as Lips, Kiss Two, and Finger Licking Good are rumoured to be changing their names.
Last Christmas joke
A European bar owner bought a Christmas tree into his bar to decorate. One of the bar girls asked him why he brought the tree into the bar. ‘Just for fun,’ replied the man. After a while he started gluing cotton wool on the leaves. The same girl said, ‘Oh you good boss you bring tree into the bar because its sick, it must be bleeding.’
Play Solo
A first time tourist picked up a beautiful virgin in a sexy bar. Feeling hungry, she told her customer that she wanted to eat noodles and would meet him in his hotel room one hour later. ‘If I am late,’ she added, ‘Just start without me.’
Prison Record
Most of the British passport holders sentenced for drug trafficking in Thai jails are in fact Hong Kong nationals. What do you suppose will happen to them on returning there after next June? Bang! Bang!
Almost speechless
A local expat executive at a Maptaphut oil company was telling friends at a Pattaya expat hangout that later that night he had to give a speech to 400 employees at the company’s annual Christmas party. Leaving the bar later then planed he rushed home to spruce up for the night’s gala event. Arriving late at the Dusit Resort he recognised some friends and joined them at their table. Half way through the meal another acquaintance passed by the table and said, ‘Why aren’t you over at the Montien at your own company party?’ He made it just in time to deliver his after dinner speech.
Take a torch
According to the car park guard at a local hospital, increasing numbers of Farangs are being subjected to hit and run robberies at night along the Beach Road Sea-front. Prime spots are where the street lighting has failed. One victim said, ‘My wallet was gone before I hit the floor.’ With the going rate of 500 baht per stitch, watch your step.
Joke of the week
A relationship consists of 3 rings, first the engagement-ring, then the wedding-ring and then the suffer-ring.