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Family Money: All
things to all men?
By Leslie
Wright
In the old days, professionals specialised in their
chosen area of expertise and didn’t try to be all things to all men (and
women, let me add before I am accused of sexism).
Accountants did accountancy, bankers did banking, and
lawyers did legal work (or at least, most did.) You knew where you were.
These days it is not so simple. Your lawyer may be just
as happy to deal with your investments as your bank. Your accountant could
be as capable of estate planning as dealing with income tax.
Banks have offered personal portfolio management and
investment advice to their private clients for decades, but nowadays are
happy to sign up walk-in customers for flavour-of-the-month investment
plans, life and general insurance policies, and even prepare your will and
act as your Executor in some cases.
Similarly, many large accounting and law firms have
been blurring the lines between their respective professions and turning
themselves into one-stop-shops for all your professional needs.
Picking up the pieces
One of the reasons that accountants and lawyers have
started offering financial & investment advice is because they have
often had to pick up the pieces after their clients suffered at the hands
of unscrupulous financial advisers.
Even in well-regulated regimes where financial advisers
are required to prove their competence through examination, many financial
consultants are motivated more by the commissions they will earn than
their clients’ best interests.
One UK lawyer, whose practice has been built on suing
financial advisers, was recently quoted in The Financial Times as saying,
“I think commission is the root of a lot of evil.”
He believes that lawyers have much to offer in fields
traditionally occupied by stockbrokers and bankers. Part of that is the
protection and insurance that professional firms carry if anything goes
wrong; but he adds, “I think solicitors have to be very careful that
they don’t turn out as bank managers have turned out. Bank managers used
to be independent figures, people you could go to for advice - now, they
have to meet sales targets.” (Well, in the UK this may be the case;
bankers in Thailand seem to operate much more whimsically.)
Independence is a must
Independence is the holy grail of private client
services. An executive from a multinational accounting firm was quoted in
that same article as saying, “It is important to be truly independent.
We aim to get the right answer for the client - and we know our clients
well.”
I quite agree. Some brokerages that are not ‘tied’
to particular providers of investment products set out always to provide
“best advice” to their clients, even if it means they earn less in the
short-term. A satisfied client will come back, and stay on the firm’s
books for a long time, and bring his friends also.
A dissatisfied client will, in the long term, earn less
for the firm - and may be in a position to damage the reputation and
goodwill of that firm in the community, which costs the firm far more in
the long run.
But to “know your client well” requires the
financial adviser to carry out a detailed fact-find of the client’s
circumstances, investment goals & objectives, risk-aversion profile,
and a great deal more, before offering any specific advice.
This sort of in-depth interview is beyond the scope of
High Street banks; and many of the lawyers and accountants who are setting
out to be all-things-to-all-men are reluctant to spend the time needed to
do so. They operate on a time-cost basis, and the necessary investment of
‘free’ time is often wasted if the prospective client rejects their
recommendations.
One could of course make the valid argument that if
they do their job properly, the client won’t reject their
recommendations. In most cases this is perfectly true. However, some
clients come along with a predetermined ‘wish list’ which may be what
the client wants but not at all what he (or she) really needs. An ethical
professional has to point this out, and recommend the most appropriate
vehicles for the client’s needs. And face the possibility of those
recommendations being rejected out of hand - just as a physician telling a
patient some unwelcome news and refusing to write out the prescription the
patient wants has to face the same rejection of his advice. He may lose a
patient (and the accompanying fee), but his professional integrity is
intact.
Sadly, even some brokerages that will invest the time
and effort to conduct an in-depth fact-find still try to knock the square
pegs that earn them the most commission into the round hole of the
client’s requirements - even when this is an inappropriate product to
his needs.
I have read many recommendation reports by supposedly
qualified advisers located in well-regulated regimes (Hong Kong & UK
for instance) who clearly showed a bias towards an investment product
which was not in fact ‘best advice’ for the client now sitting in
front of me, dissatisfied with his previous adviser.
Under those circumstances it is difficult to tell the
hapless client that what he bought was not the best vehicle for him,
though clearly it wasn’t. To tell him to encash it and put it into
something more appropriate would be ethically improper, since it might
cause the client to suffer penalties or loss.
All one can do is try to pick up the pieces and make
whatever adjustments can be effected in a cost-effective manner and in the
best interests of the client.
Sometimes this earns my firm nothing in the short-term;
but a satisfied client brings others, and when the well looked-after
client has more to invest, he will do so through my, rather than
another’s firm.
Bigger is better - or is it?
Some larger law firms and accountancy firms have set up
their own investment management divisions.
The strength of these depends on their relationship
with the client. There is usually a great deal more continuity between
clients and their solicitors and accountants than with the typical
brokerage firm; the length of the professional relationship is a great
deal longer.
Within such firms, it can be argued, young
professionals join and stay - unlike a bank, where the personnel could
move every couple of years to give themselves broader experience.
From the client’s point of view, there is an
advantage to the one-stop shop. Instead of having to deal with several
professionals in order to sort out everything from self-assessment returns
to your investments to your inheritance tax planning, you can make one
visit to one firm.
But can smaller firms of lawyers and accountants really
offer the level of service and quality of asset management that is
provided by a private bank or firm of experienced independent financial
advisers?
“The world of investment management has become much
more complex,” says one banking consultant. “A lot of lawyers may have
been trustees of substantial family trusts, but what do they know about
hedge funds?”
The dilemma is whether to grow a particular firm by
bringing in investment specialists, or to become specialists in buying
investment management.
The costs of hiring trained professionals in all the
various areas of expertise is daunting for any but the largest firms - and
it should not be forgotten that those costs are all passed on to the
client in one form or another.
A millionaire client who is concerned about saving
thousands of Pounds (or Dollars) in tax can afford to pay trained
professionals to find all the legal loopholes for him.
He will undoubtedly have a substantial portfolio that
may be complex and need sound estate planning, and he may require
independent portfolio management services as well.
It makes eminent sense for such a person to seek advice
under one ‘umbrella’ where his lawyer, accountant, tax expert and
investment manager are able to liase together without any conflict of
interest, breech of confidentiality or costly international
communications. They are thus adding value to the client, who will
probably save money overall, while hopefully getting a superior service in
an administratively simple manner.
But what about the ‘small’ clients who cannot
justify the costs typically involved with talking to the Big Boys? The
Internet is changing things. Now, even small firms can provide a level of
sophisticated research and support that was previously only available
through large multinational firms or expensive specialists.
The arrival of real-time dealing has also helped
smaller players compete with the Big Boys. But there is still some way to
go.
Many people have the perception that they will get
better service from the well-known major firms. This is not always so.
Some firms have become so large that their internal co-ordination leaves
much to be desired, and speed of response is not always up to scratch
either.
Regulation & Compliance
One other problem that the Internet cannot overcome is
compliance costs.
In well-regulated regimes each firm has to have a
Compliance Officer, and this position is often more crucial than the Chief
Executive - I know; I’ve been both. If a CEO gets it wrong, he is voted
off the board, allowed to resign (usually) and goes off to find another
job. His primary responsibilities are to the shareholders of the firm.
But the Compliance Officer is held responsible by the
regulatory authorities to the public. If he gets it wrong he goes to jail.
(At least, in well-regulated regimes he does. In less-well-regulated
ones...well you know the rest, don’t you?)
His duties, broadly speaking, are to ensure proper
procedures are in place; that these are strictly complied with by all
personnel; that each piece of business is properly documented and
appropriate to that client; and that any complaints are swiftly and
thoroughly investigated, and appropriate action taken. And if any breech
should occur, that appropriate disciplinary action is taken swiftly to
correct it, and/or the client compensated.
But such compliance is costly. Big multinational firms
can, of course, afford to throw money at the problem. But if international
regulations become tighter - as they have progressively in recent years
(even in Thailand, where new rules will be coming into effect over the
coming years to licence and regulate the securities industry better) -
smaller firms who have not taken steps to ensure they are already
compliant may find it increasingly difficult to provide the right level
and quality of service at the right price - if they survive at all.
Just like corner stores have given way to hypermarkets
where all your shopping can be done under one roof more cost-effectively,
so too it seems professional services may in future be provided only by a
few multifaceted one-stop-consultancy firms which have to be all things to
all men to stay afloat.
Perhaps, too, in the near future your doctor too will
be offering legal, accounting and investment advice - after all, some
already seem to care more about money matters than healthcare.
Leslie Wright is Managing Director of Westminster
Portfolio Services (Thailand) Ltd., a firm of independent financial
advisors providing advice to expatriate residents of the Eastern Seaboard
on personal financial planning and international investments. If you have
any comments or queries on this article, or about other topics concerning
investment matters, contact Leslie directly by fax on (038) 232522 or
e-mail [email protected].
Further details and back articles can be accessed on his firm’s website
on www.westminsterthailand.com.
Editor’s note: Leslie sometimes receives e-mails to
which he is unable to respond due to the sender’s automatic return
address being incorrect. If you have sent him an e-mail to which you have
not received a reply, this may be why. To ensure his prompt response to
your enquiry, please include your complete return e-mail address, or a
contact phone/fax number.
The Computer Doctor
by Richard Bunch
From Aaron Fitzpatrick, NSW, Australia:
Every Time I connect to the Internet it is a real slow connection. I have
a good 56k modem and I have the line as short as possible, but it still is
slow. I’m located in Lismore, NSW, Australia and my ISP is One-Net. Can
you help me?
Computer Doctor replies: There really isn’t
enough information to go on, but there are several things you can check
out. Firstly, is the quality of the telephone line acceptable? For
instance, if you make a voice call is the line clear? If not, whist this
is annoying in a voice call, for a data call it will seriously degrade the
connection. You can also ensure that your modem and software is configured
correctly. I am assuming you are operating Windows 98, so open the Control
Panel and Click on modems, note which COM port it is attached to, i.e.
COM1, COM2 then get the properties window up and select Port settings, and
ensure the FIFO buffers is ticked and both Send and Receive are set to
maximum. OK, out of these to the main Control Panel, then select Device
Options and within this Ports, highlight the port your modem is attached
to and set the speed to 115,000 bps and the flow control to hardware. OK,
out and close the Control Panel. Lastly, open your Dial up Network
settings from within my computer, highlight your connection and right
click and select properties, check that the protocol is Windows 98 and
that only Use Software compression and TCP/IP are ticked.
From Tony Gwynne: I have a Digitek (Singapore)
233Mhz (mmx) laptop (96M ram), with a 24x internal CD-rom drive.
Unfortunately, the micro ribbon cable in the CD-rom drive is torn and
I’m finding it difficult to find spares or replacements bar from going
to the manufacturer in Singapore, in which case I’d probably have to
make a trip there. What I’d like to know is, I have the option to use a
regular desktop CD-rom drive (40x) plugged through an external USB
interface and I need to know whether this would provide the same
performance as using the internal one that has enhanced IDE facilities for
loading programs, playing VCDs, etc., or would it not be a good option.
Your advice would be greatly appreciated.
Computer Doctor replies: One begs the question: how
did the micro ribbon cable get torn? That said, it has and so a way
forward has to be found. I recommend you take steps to obtain a
replacement cable from the manufacturer, but in the meantime, I suspect
the IDE drive connected via the USB interface will be satisfactory for
loading applications but will not be adequate for playing VCDs, DVDs, etc.
Although I specialise in the business use of PC’s I
am often asked about games, which is a subject I don’t have the time to
study, so I am happy to pass on the advise of one of the Pattaya Mail
readers, Leo Satanove, who recommends a free backgammon and great game
site, most are free at www.pogo.com
Send your questions or comments to the Pattaya Mail at
370/7-8 Pattaya Second Road, Pattaya City, 20260 or Fax to 038 427 596 or
E-mail to [email protected].
The views and comments expressed within this column are not necessarily
those of the writer or Pattaya Mail Publishing.
Richard Bunch is Managing Director of Action Computer
Technologies Co., Ltd. providing professional information technology and
Internet services which includes custom database and application
development; website design, promotion and hosting; domain name
registration; turnkey e-commerce solutions; computer and peripheral sales
service and repairs, networks (LAN & WAN) and IT consulting. For
further information, please e-mail [email protected]
or telephone/fax 038 716 816 or see our website www.act.co.th
Successfully Yours: Dr.
Valerie McKenzie
By Mirin MacCarthy
Dr. Valerie McKenzie, internationally recognized television
presenter and currently with the Channel 11 Morning Talk Show, graced Pattaya
with her presence last weekend. Valerie, as she prefers to be called, is a
very successful businesswoman, charity worker, tourism promoter, mother, Dr.
of Psychology, educator, sponsor and all round superwoman.
Valerie took early retirement here ten years ago after
selling her successful international marketing communications business, and
then completed a two year stint as a Current Affairs presenter in London.
However, there was no rest in Thailand. “I followed my husband here. The
idea was to retire and study photography, though after a few months I’d done
that and needed a bigger challenge.” Currently she has three jobs - giving a
morning talk in English for Channel 11 TV, doing government liaison and public
relations work for Qantas/British Airways, and PR work for the Australian
Tourist Commission and the TAT.
She lives in Bangkok with her husband and their adopted
Thai daughter. “I relate better here. I believe I can contribute something
to society. I was given a chance and I’d like to repay that.” To that end,
Valerie sponsors nine Korat orphans’ education. Three of her first group are
finishing university now and are about to join the workforce. “It is very
gratifying to be able to give Thai children a chance to make it in life. After
all, what is money for? You can only buy so many possessions and bigger homes
to house them all.”
Valerie is no stranger to positive improvements and charity
work. Two years ago in Bangkok when she put the idea forward of a charity
flight for Thai orphans to the Qantas management she was given conditional
approval for the project provided she could raise matching sponsorship. She is
a lady who makes things happen and obviously thrives on challenges, and so
flight QF 6067 took to the air. “If those disadvantaged and disabled kids
can see others with disabilities and think they can really have a go at
something, it was successful. I believe in my heart that at least ten of them
will have expanded their outlook and make it in life.”
If any of her adopted and sponsored children understand
what hard work, enthusiasm and perseverance and a positive attitude can do,
they will do well by just looking at the life of Valerie McKenzie. She is an
inspiration for everyone.
Valerie can relate better to orphaned children than most
other people. She has personal experience of their plight. Orphaned herself as
a baby in London following a bomb explosion, she was presumed to be French
because of a French medallion around her neck. Consequently she spent the
first 10 years of her life in a French speaking orphanage in London.
She was then adopted by an Australian couple and relocated
to Australia. Immediately she showed her resolute spirit and independence,
beginning by selling newspapers after school. “When I first arrived in
Australia it was difficult because I spoke no English, but I could count, so
selling newspapers was no problem!” she said and laughed.
Valerie studied hard and worked hard, but never felt that
either England or Australia was her home. It was only later in her life that
she discovered Thailand. “Now I want to live in Asia and contribute to an
orphanage. My step parents gave me a chance; I would like to give something
back.”
Her adoptive mother insisted she become a teacher so
Valerie took a Diploma of Education in Sydney but hated teaching. Ever
resourceful, she took a transfer to Journalism and was head hunted by the
Financial Times.
Valerie completed her MBA at Sydney University and majored
in marketing communications. She then started her own business with a friend,
and in six years had the largest marketing communications firm in Australia,
which they then expanded into NZ and Asia.
It was then she realized she did not understand the Asian
mentality, so she took her doctorate majoring in social psychology. Her thesis
was on businesswomen and their difference in acceptance between East and West.
For the Eastern model she chose Thailand and Hong Kong and for the West,
Australia and the UK. “When I presented the thesis I had it bound into a
book, poured champagne all over it and have never looked at it since.”
Valerie is the type of person who never stands still in her
spare time. In 1977 she competed in the London to Sydney car rally.
Valerie has been presenting for Channel 11 for eight years
now. “An Australian, Jaye Walton, started the programme nine years ago, and
I came along like the Immaculate Conception nine months later,” she laughed.
Valerie took over the morning talk show this year when Jaye left to work in
Australia. She seized the opportunity but was given just five weeks to find
sponsorship. Never one to say die, she approached the Tourism Authority of
Thailand who now sponsor the up country visits each month and Krung Thai AXA
Life Insurance and Smith Kline Beecham, who have underwritten the show’s
sponsorship for a year. Her first visit on location was to Chiang Mai, then
Khon Khaen, Ratchaburi and now Pattaya.
Success to Valerie is: “The chance to make a positive
difference and to repay something back in life.” Very much a Buddhist
philosophy - no wonder she feels at home here. Valerie currently lives with
her family overlooking the water in Bangkok but would love to relocate to
Pattaya by the sea. Let us hope Pattaya would be so lucky!
Snap Shots: A
new viewpoint
by Harry Flashman
Photography really is all about the art of
“seeing”. Successful photographers are very often ones who have
discovered a “different” way of seeing the subjects they (and you and
I) photograph.
One obvious example was the British photographer Bill
Brandt, famous for photographing nudes by using a wide angle lens on the
camera. This gave a very distorted figure, but one that became “arty”
and produced fame for Brandt. Whether you find Brandt’s viewpoint
aesthetic does not matter - the important fact to remember was that it was
different.
Now,
this does not mean that Harry here suggests you race down to Jomtien Beach
with a fish eye lens on the camera and try and persuade people to remove
their outer garments! Far from it. What Harry is suggesting is that you
should stop for a while and consider something unusual, compared to your
“standard” way of taking shots.
You see, it makes no difference whether you have an SLR
with multiple lens choices, or just a humble point and shooter with a
fixed lens, we eventually get into a “habit” while taking photographs.
Habits include the lens you stick on the front of the camera. I will wager
that you have a favourite lens that stays on the camera body, and the
others are only used when you cannot get the subject in the frame and have
to use an alternative. And habits certainly do die hard, even if it is
just always taking shots in the horizontal (landscape) format. Got you!
Haven’t I?
What I am suggesting this weekend is to devote one
complete roll of film to some new or different ways of doing things. Many
times it is impossible to predict what the final result may be. You may
have discovered a radical new approach, a highly individualistic way of
presentation. The end result may not be to everyone’s taste (like my
idea about Bill Brandt’s work), but you will never know till you try.
And what is a roll of film worth compared to the fun (and fame and
fortune, perhaps) that this weekend could produce for you.
To get you going, here are a few ideas you might like
to explore. The first I will call the child’s eye view. Our viewpoint is
generally around 5’6" from the ground. That’s where our eye level
is and that is the viewpoint we use in 99% of our pictures. Now imagine
you are a three year old child. Your viewpoint on life is very much closer
to the ground. You spend more time looking up at the world. It would
certainly be worth re-viewing some items from this very low viewpoint. OK,
I know you will end up looking up people’s noses - but it just might
work. You won’t know till you get the pictures back from the
photo-processor.
The opposite end of the spectrum is the “Bird’s eye
view”. This takes some more thought and planning - and sometimes a step
ladder as well, but again you will get different shots. Ever noticed how
many rock bands have photographs taken from above, with the members of the
group looking up at the camera? Ever wondered why? It is because you end
up getting a very powerful shot - and a different, memorable shot. Try
standing on walls, on top of cars, or the aforementioned stepladder. Just
don’t drop your expensive camera or fall off! It is actually quite easy
to become unbalanced looking through the viewfinder when up high.
For those who do have choices of lenses, or do have
zoom facility in the point and shooter, you can try using the two extremes
that you have, even though you may think that the lens choice is
unsuitable for what you are photographing. After all, remember Bill
Brandt! It is even worthwhile taking the same subject matter with both of
the two opposite extremes - wide angle and telephoto.
Try another viewpoint this weekend and you might be
amazed.
Modern Medicine: An
eye for an eye?
by Dr Iain Corness
The other afternoon I caught a show on TV documenting
the fate of a poor old woman in America who was eaten by a mountain lion.
Not one’s chosen demise I’m sure. In retaliation, a search party was
mounted and they caught and killed the lion.
This prompted me to think about all the tigers and
crocodiles that we, the human race, have caught and killed because these
animals have dared to kill one of us. The animals were only doing what is
natural for them to do. They are hunters that kill for their food, but we
shoot them for it. On the other hand, when a human kills a human, which is
not natural for humans to do, we do not kill the perpetrator of the crime.
A sort of one-eyed view I think.
And one eyed or otherwise, this was really just a long
winded lead-up to the second week’s tale of conjunctivitis. My friend,
Dr. Somchai the ophthalmologist, was correct when he diagnosed the viral
conjunctivitis, and he was also correct when he said it would spread to
the other eye. Yes, despite rigid aseptic techniques, after six days, the
right eye began to become inflamed and red, so as I type this I have two
bunged up eyes and find it a trifle difficult to be humorous.
Dr. Somchai did also warn me that all treatment for
viral conjunctivitis is “symptomatic” - in other words, it does
nothing to combat the disease process, it just lessens the symptoms. What
he didn’t warn me was the fact that the eye drops were worse than the
ailment! Sting? It was like putting red hot pokers into your eyes! After a
couple of days I gave up as I had got to the stage of just dreading the
eye drops. What he did say, however, was that cold compresses were said to
be soothing. They are! They are! A small hand towel, soaked in water then
wrung out and put in the freezer for fifteen minutes and then applied to
the eye for three minutes was sheer heaven. Sorry, not was - IS sheer
heaven!
It is now a week and I am trying very hard to convince
myself that the condition is waning. The jokes about looking through key
holes and “Have you seen a doctor?” are wearing very thin. My mates in
Delaney’s run when they see me and Kim will only buy me a beer if I sit
on the other side of the room. In the meantime I sit quietly with eyes
feeling as if they are full of sand and contemplate about being eaten by
mountain lions.
 Dear
Hillary,
As the all-seeing Pattaya eye, where would you suggest
I take my girlfriend for a romantic night? I intend to propose to her
then, so want the surroundings to make it an evening to remember.
Lochinvar
Dear Lochinvar,
You didn’t say in your letter what it was that you
wanted to propose to the young lady. Marriage, menage a trois or a dirty
weekend at Hua Hin? If you are so undecisive and wishy washy as this all
the time, I hope she says No! to all three of your proposals. However, to
keep faith with all my adoring readers out there, if it’s marriage, then
a secluded alcove at Bruno’s will go down well. If it’s the threesome,
then probably the Freelancer Bar on Walking Street to pick up the third
member, or if it is the Hua Hin option, then round about 1 a.m. at one of
the discos should fit the ticket.
Dear Hillary,
My doctor has told me I have to give up drinking for my
health’s sake. Unfortunately I work in the public entertainment
industry, so this is a bit hard. What do you suggest I do?
Ken
Dear Ken,
It’s easy. Change your doctor. Finally, always
remember that the definition of a true alcoholic is someone who drinks
more than their medical advisor.
Dear Hillary,
My husband’s mother and father are coming out for a
holiday next month. This will be their first trip to Thailand and I am
wondering where we should take them. They are both in their 60’s, so we
must be careful of the venue.
Martha
Dear Martha,
What have you to be careful of? Will Pa-in-law become
an aggressive drunk and molest the waitress, or Ma-in-law shoulder the
girls out of the way at the chrome pole paradise? Honestly, what is the
world coming to? Stop worrying! Pattaya has more amazing things to do and
go to than just about anywhere in the world. You should put the following
on the agenda, one of the lavish on stage transvestite shows (Alcazar or
Tiffany’s), a visit to some of the restaurants out over the water on
Walking Street like King Sea Food or the Lobster Pot, take them to the
tourist entertainment outlets like zoos and other similar venues, enjoy
relaxed BBQ’s with music at the Captain’s Corner for example, a bit of
fun, food and dancing at Henry J. Bean’s and even take them to a go-go
bar. After all, they are here and someone will ask them on their return
what they were like. Hillary suggests you grab one of the “bar
hopping” guides which will show you the kinds of places you might like
to take the in-laws. Relax and enjoy their being here. They’re old
enough to tell you what they want anyway!
Dear Hillary,
We realise that you probably cannot come out in print
and suggest specific eating places, but we have some German friends coming
over soon and would like to take them to a good German restaurant. Any
suggestions on where we should go?
Linda
Dear Linda,
Hillary always suggests that you should consult the
Dining Out pages in the Pattaya Mail first - but if German food is your
choice, then there are many places along the Pattaya Naklua Road that will
fit the bill. Or perhaps ones where the bill will fit the pocket! The
Pattaya Mail’s food critic gave the Haus Munchen a good rap last year.
Go and try them all before Hansel and Gretel get here.
Dear Hillary,
My husband put the phone down on me the other evening
while I was talking to him on his mobile. Do you think this is acceptable
conduct, and what should I do to prevent any recurrences of this type of
behaviour in the future?
Miffed
Dear Miffed,
It all depends which part of you he put the phone down
on. Prevention is very easy. Don’t speak to him on the mobile.
Dear Hillary,
Our daughter has dreams of being a singer, and has been
a member of the school choir back in the UK. She is coming over to live
with us at the end of the year and I was wondering whether there are any
openings for aspiring young songstresses in Pattaya?
Debbie
Dear Debbie,
Aren’t you a lovely Mum. Like all tourist places,
there are always times when some venue needs a singer or two. What Hillary
suggests is to make contact with the Seaboard Sounds (you’ll find them
in the Clubs listing in the paper) and she can get more experience with
this group. They do welcome new voices (blood?) and many of them are
professionals and can advise your daughter on future directions.
Dear Hillary,
I think your advice is daft. What right have you got to
tell people what to do? Why don’t you go back to your dog-house or
wherever you came from?
Frank
Dear Frank,
To be perfectly frank, which I’m not since I’m a
Hillary, I have as much right as you have, my Petal. Since you are the one
with a bone to pick, perhaps it is you that should be living in the
kennel? Woof!
GRAPEVINE
|
Lie Detector
Ex cop Ginny Thompson claims he can tell if
anyone is lying just by staring into their eyes. He has been touring
the niteries of South Pattaya advising farang punters on whether a
particular go go girl of their choice is a suitable marriage partner
or whether her mother near the Burmese border really needs a hip
operation. Ginny says he charges the punter a beer and then conducts
his eye penetration exercise on the bemused local lasses. He sometimes
asks a couple of questions and the whole examination takes about forty
seconds. So far, he has drunk fifty-six free beers but has not found
anyone telling the truth. Dismissing allegations of a scam, Ginny told
Grapevine, “I’m offering a genuine lie detector service, but the
folks around here aren’t too truthful.”
Latest gimmick
This column first brought you news of the
virtual reality budgie, a computerized pet on a screen which lived
longer if you fed it and remembered to cover its cage at night. Now
the same Japanese based company, Dreams Come True, is about to flood
the Pattaya market with the Buru Buru imported cushion. This battery
operated “massager” is designed to take the aches and pains out of
your bottom whilst you are working at the office all day or are bored
stiff watching yet another repeat on Turner Classic Movies. It retails
at around 1,200 baht but batteries are not included. People who have
tried it say it is fairly comfortable, but lets out a high pitched
whining noise as it grinds your buttocks. It is not suitable for rest
room use as the cushion has no gaps.
Summit meeting
The much misunderstood PTA (Pattaya
Transvestite Alliance), which was actually formed to combat the common
notion that khatoeys are exclusively interested in sex and thieving,
has been abandoned after only two meetings. Members said the evening
sessions dragged on for too long and were hampering their attempts to
attract the attention of potential punters near the South Pattaya
traffic lights. One former member who identified herself only as Toy
(probably a false name) explained that Time Is Money. Or words to that
effect.
Advice line
Reader BJ wants you to know:
Never under any circumstances takes a sleeping pill and a laxative
together. The main accomplishment of all organized protests is to
annoy the people not in them. People who want to share their religious
views with you never want to share yours. There is a very thin line
between a hobby and mental illness. Always look people in the face
unless they are standing outside a nightclub. Whatever method God
chooses to announce the end of the world, it’s not likely to be the
Pattaya Mail channel.
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Trencherman’s delight
There are generous portions to be had at the
Sportsman’s Inn in Soi Yodsak. Top of their extensive range menu is
perhaps English style fish, chips and peas and there’s a special
bargain on Mondays to be had for 89 baht. The breakfasts are big
enough for anyone and the extras, such as mushrooms and baked beans,
are inclusive of the menu price. When GEOC (Grapevine Eating Out
Collective) called, we were delighted that the breakfast plate was
grease free which tends to be a problem in some other restaurants.
This place is definitely another candidate for the Best Breakfast in
Pattaya Award. GEOC is trying most of them and will bring anxious
Pattaya Mail readers the nail biting results during the upcoming high
season.
Latest gossip
Will you, as a non resident and non working
farang, be forced to close your bank account by the end of the year?
The news story that the Bank of Thailand was enforcing the move as an
anti money laundering move has been rolling now for months.
Grapevine’s friendly policeman has confided his information that the
Bank was too hasty but will not be issuing any further guidelines or
clarification. So it will be left to managers at individual banks to
decide whether they want your money or not. One change that could come
in is that, as your passbook becomes full, you may be asked to
re-register. This means you might be asked to provide proof of your
current address, e.g. a tibean bahn if you live in a house or a letter
from your landlord. The only clear aspect is that the initial news
flash in June last was, not to put too fine a point on it, somewhat
unclear. Well I never!
Road madness
If you are directly involved in a traffic
accident in which Thais are injured, the police will most certainly
want to interview you. If you are thought guilty of careless or
drunken driving, a criminal prosecution could follow, especially if
the Thais involved want that. If you have to be back at work in Europe
a week later, sorry but that argument won’t get you off the hook. If
you don’t have solid insurance, then prepare for the worst. Even if
you are not detained for an alleged crime, your passport will be
withheld and you will most certainly have to settle with the owners of
any vehicles you damaged whilst injured parties will expect
reimbursement of medical expenses plus substantial compensation. A
lawyer may be necessary and they don’t come cheap. In a recent
serious and tragic case, the farang’s family back home had to
re-mortgage the house in order to raise enough cash to settle the
ongoing civil disputes. One false move on Pattaya’s roads,
especially at night, could bring a personal Armageddon. |
Dining Out: Belgian
Mussels - Jean-Claude Van Damme?
by Miss Terry Diner
When Jaap Klasema, the mercurial manager of the Auguste
Renoir restaurant, suggested that Miss Terry might like to come over and try
out his Belgian Mussels, there was no need to ask twice. Not what you might
have thought on first reading that sentence either. Miss Terry and the Dining
Out Team are very fond of this particular seafood, but had to admit never
having eaten them “Belgian Style”.
Jaap explained that originally the Belgian Mussels were an
occasional menu surprise item, but they had proved to be so popular that it
was decided to make them a regular feature. So now every Friday is the Belgian
Mussels, 195 baht, and all you can eat.
The restaurant is in the Flamingo Hotel, which is behind
the Day-Night Bazaar off South Pattaya Road. The Dining Out team has been
there previously and has remarked on the relaxed “European” atmosphere,
with dark wood panelling and “Old” masters on the walls. This is
heightened by the waiters in the traditional long white aprons, white
tablecloths and blue damask serviettes.
Surprisingly, the menu does not mention the special Friday
evening offer; this only appears on a chalkboard outside the restaurant,
proudly proclaiming Belgian “Mussles”, but maybe that is the way they
spell them in Brussels!
With the mussels deal, there is also a reasonably large
salad bar, but Miss Terry felt that why would you eat rabbit food when there
is an all you can eat seafood offer, so we decided to give the greens the
go-bye.
Despite all the beers being inexpensively priced at around
55-60 baht, while waiting for the mussels we decided to go with the house
white wine, a very mellow drop and definitely works well with seafood.
Congratulations Jaap on a good choice.
The waiters descended on our table, first placing a large
empty bowl for the shells beside us. A bread container was next and then a
plate of, dare I say it - French fries. There is some extreme controversy
between the neighbouring countries of France and Belgium as to who invented
the chipped potato, so let us call them “Pommes frites”. This was quickly
followed by the largest steaming bowl of mussels you have ever seen that came
with three small containers. One was butter for the bread, the second was
mayonnaise for the fries (as is the custom in Belgium) and the third was a
dish with yellow sauce. A tentative finger delicately dipped revealed that
this was the special Sauce moutarde and was a wonderfully tangy experience.
Gently prising open my first mussel shell I thought I had
made a new discovery - my mussel was twins! There were two of them nestling
there. This pseudo-scientific discovery came to nought when I found the next
shell was empty! In the steaming process, many of the mussels slip out and if
you find an empty shell, you’ll probably find the mussel hiding in the
bottom of the bowl in the white wine steaming mixture.
The mussel dipped in the sauce moutarde was just fabulous.
The almost lemony tang sets the mussels off perfectly. The tartness is then an
even greater palate pleaser when compared to the mellow taste of the pommes
frites with the mayonnaise.
In no time I had filled the empty shell plate and in a
further no time it was whisked away by our attentive waiter who asked if I
would like another bowl. With no shame, Miss Terry has to admit that she lined
up for a second helping, complete with another container of sauce moutarde -
the first having been cleaned out with a deft swipe with a small piece of
French (Belgian?) bread.
The dining is relaxed, the mussels are wonderful and it
makes for a perfect “chatty” evening, supping, dipping and quite frankly,
delightful. If you like mussels, you should definitely try the Friday night
special at Auguste Renoir’s. Thank you Jaap, it was great - just fix up the
spelling by next week. OK?
Animal Crackers:
Emus
by Mirin
MacCarthy
The emu is the second largest bird in the world (the
Ostrich is the biggest). Australia’s largest bird, standing up to 2 meters
tall, the emu is flightless. They have tiny wings but their legs are long
and powerful allowing them to run with a bouncy swaying motion at speeds of
up to 50 km per hour.
Emus belong to the group of flightless birds called
Ratites, which include the shorter and heavier Australian Cassowary, the
Ostrich, the South American Rheas and the New Zealand Kiwis.
Their history goes back million of years. Archeologists
have discovered the remains of huge flightless birds dated about thirty five
million years ago; before the arrival of the first humans.
The emu features on Australia’s coat of Arms. Weighing
in at 50 kg, you don’t want an annoyed emu chasing you. Farmers in Oz let
the emus run with the sheep, the odd few are actually good at herding sheep
too.
The male emu will build its nest in a scrape in the
ground in the shape of a circle, lined with grass and other vegetation. In a
role reversal, which would be totally welcome in the bird word, after the
female emu has courted the male, mated with him and then laid up to 15 large
green eggs she is off the hook. The male emu incubates the eggs alone and
accompanies the chicks for up to eighteen months of age. The female is free
to remain with the family defending the nest during incubation of about 60
days, and then she may go walkabout and mate with another male. The hapless
father literally starves himself in that time; he neither eats, drinks nor
goes to the hong narm!
For those who have never seen an emu, they are tall as a
man with long legs, a bluish neck, piercing brown eyes, a mean looking beak
and a rather shaggy brownish feather duster coat. The fluffy chicks the size
of a domestic hen are born black and white striped but this camouflage
colouring disappears as they grow and learn to defend themselves. Living in
all sorts of terrain, from arid open plains to tropical woodlands and
coastal dunes, doesn’t concern them but they avoid the rainforests. In
some areas they undertake long migrations. They are easily fed on berries,
fruit, grain, grasses and insects along with the odd grasshopper or two.
Emu eggs have long been prized for carving and decorating
because of their large size and tough green shell. You may have heard of the
fabled bejeweled Faberge eggs. Also the emu oil is reputedly good for soap
and skin care products. I don’t think I would fancy trying to outrun one
though.
Down The Iron Road:
Signalling In four colours
by John D.
Blyth
Photography really is all about the art of “seeing”.
Successful photographers are very often ones who have discovered a
“different” way of seeing the subjects they (and you and I) photograph.
One obvious example was the British photographer Bill
Brandt, famous for photographing nudes by using a wide angle lens on the
camera. This gave a very distorted figure, but one that became “arty”
and produced fame for Brandt. Whether you find Brandt’s viewpoint
aesthetic does not matter - the important fact to remember was that it was
different.
Now, this does not mean that Harry here suggests you race
down to Jomtien Beach with a fish eye lens on the camera and try and
persuade people to remove their outer garments! Far from it. What Harry is
suggesting is that you should stop for a while and consider something
unusual, compared to your “standard” way of taking shots.
 You
see, it makes no difference whether you have an SLR with multiple lens
choices, or just a humble point and shooter with a fixed lens, we eventually
get into a “habit” while taking photographs. Habits include the lens you
stick on the front of the camera. I will wager that you have a favourite
lens that stays on the camera body, and the others are only used when you
cannot get the subject in the frame and have to use an alternative. And
habits certainly do die hard, even if it is just always taking shots in the
horizontal (landscape) format. Got you! Haven’t I?
What I am suggesting this weekend is to devote one
complete roll of film to some new or different ways of doing things. Many
times it is impossible to predict what the final result may be. You may have
discovered a radical new approach, a highly individualistic way of
presentation. The end result may not be to everyone’s taste (like my idea
about Bill Brandt’s work), but you will never know till you try. And what
is a roll of film worth compared to the fun (and fame and fortune, perhaps)
that this weekend could produce for you.
To get you going, here are a few ideas you might like to
explore. The first I will call the child’s eye view. Our viewpoint is
generally around 5’6" from the ground. That’s where our eye level
is and that is the viewpoint we use in 99% of our pictures. Now imagine you
are a three year old child. Your viewpoint on life is very much closer to
the ground. You spend more time looking up at the world. It would certainly
be worth re-viewing some items from this very low viewpoint. OK, I know you
will end up looking up people’s noses - but it just might work. You
won’t know till you get the pictures back from the photo-processor.
The opposite end of the spectrum is the “Bird’s eye
view”. This takes some more thought and planning - and sometimes a step
ladder as well, but again you will get different shots. Ever noticed how
many rock bands have photographs taken from above, with the members of the
group looking up at the camera? Ever wondered why? It is because you end up
getting a very powerful shot - and a different, memorable shot. Try standing
on walls, on top of cars, or the aforementioned stepladder. Just don’t
drop your expensive camera or fall off! It is actually quite easy to become
unbalanced looking through the viewfinder when up high.
For those who do have choices of lenses, or do have zoom
facility in the point and shooter, you can try using the two extremes that
you have, even though you may think that the lens choice is unsuitable for
what you are photographing. After all, remember Bill Brandt! It is even
worthwhile taking the same subject matter with both of the two opposite
extremes - wide angle and telephoto.
Try another viewpoint this weekend and you might be
amazed.
Woman’s World: Pucker
Up or is it Down?
by Lesley Warner
Puckered, dimply skin on the thighs, hips and buttocks,
otherwise known as the dreaded cellulite, remains a mystery on many levels.
Where does it come from? Why do people who are not overweight have it? And the
most important question of all - How can I get rid of it forever? The honest
answer is, nobody knows for sure. If it makes you feel any better, 90% of all
women over the age of 20 have cellulite. Did you know that once again the men
get off lightly? Cellulite rarely appears in men; it’s not related to obesity
and does not appear in women until after puberty.
I’m told cellulite is known in the medical community as
localised lipodystrophy - meaning misshapen fat (where do they find these
ghastly names) in one or several specific areas of the body.
Just beneath the surface of the skin is a thin layer of
subcutaneous fat. This layer operates as a cushioning mechanism against trauma
and it also helps to keep the body warm. It is normally not associated with
weight gain. Another layer of fat, deeper under the skin, called the scarpus
fascia controls the contours, bulges and bumps in our body. It is in this area
where fat cells enlarge as we gain weight. This deeper layer is divided into
chambers by flexible connective tissue. The connective tissue attaches the top
layer of skin to the lower layers of muscle like an anchor.
As the connective tissue becomes weak, abnormally shaped and
less flexible, it tends to pull down on the surface of the skin and creates a
dimpled uneven appearance on the skin - cellulite. Researchers are trying to
determine how and why the connective tissue changes. This answer may lead to the
discovery of specific treatments that can truly banish cellulite.
It’s all beyond me - I understand words like fat, bumps,
weight, dimpled, enlarged bulges and especially pull down!
According to a new book by Maggie Greenwood-Robinson
entitled, The Cellulite Breakthrough, there are five main causes for cellulite:
poor circulation, excess estrogen, toxin buildup, aging, and heredity.
The Greenwood-Robinson book claims that these problems can be
resolved by aerobic exercise, strength training, antioxidants such as Vitamin C
and E, a diet rich in fiber, drinking 12 glasses of water a day and 15 mg of
zinc daily. While these changes in your lifestyle are healthy ones, there are no
comprehensive medical studies which prove that they can reduce cellulite.
In addition to the causes listed above, sugar, salt,
caffeine, and a host of other ingredients have been purported to cause
cellulite, but none of these factors have been conclusively linked either.
(Don’t we all know a person who never exercises, eats a steady diet of potato
chips and chocolate and has thighs as smooth as silk?)
According to the latest research, genetics and age play the
most significant role in the appearance of cellulite. Thus, while diet and
exercise may help, they cannot truly eliminate the problem.
If you decide to turn to Plastic Surgery to try and solve
this problem, remember my advice from former articles and think carefully and
choose carefully before making a final decision.
We all hate this problem so please girls if anyone has any
secrets out there to help, please share them with us. Here are a few helpful
hints that I picked up in my research, it’s interesting to see that caffeine
supposedly works outside but is a definite no inside. Try massaging some lemon
or grapefruit essential oil (in a base of almond or sesame oil) into affected
areas regularly. Coffee grounds (warm, caffeinated) also help to improve the
look of cellulite when massaged into skin in the shower. Caffeine is a main
ingredient in many cellulite creams that cost a fortune.
Nightmarch
The next few days or so are going to a freeloaders heaven
here in Fun City with more birthdays, openings and parties than you can poke the
proverbial stick at.
Anybody who has invested in a pig farm in recent times should
be making a killing (if you’ll pardon the pun) as most joints tend to have an
unhappy-looking porker with a skewer or two protruding through its vitals
whirling away above an open barbeque as the main course in their free nosh-ups.
Parties: Phung, the long-serving mamasan of Spicy Girls
(Pattayaland Soi 1), is having her birthday tonight (Friday) and to celebrate
the occasion there will be free nosh (you guessed it, a pig on the spit and
munchies). Phung will be turning...sorry, it’s rude to divulge a lady’s age.
Parties: The Classroom One (Pattayaland Soi 2) has gained
a reputation over the years for being more like a local pub and tonight (Friday)
that reputation is set to be enhanced with the opening of a Sports Bar and
Lounge on the first floor.
Parties: And if the above two aren’t enough for a
listless Friday night then get down to Las Vegas (Soi Post Office), celebrating
its fifth year of operation with free food. The partying starts at 7:00 p.m.
Draft Beer is 50 baht, all day, every day.
More Parties: The former Passions (between Soi 7 and Soi
8) is having a ‘soft’ reopening on Saturday night, September 2 and has been
rebadged the Bucking Bull. The den will not only feature the usual bevy of
dancing maidens but the star attraction may well be the bucking bronco machine
that started life in England before coming to Bangkok and Phuket and finally
coming to rest here in Pattaya. Those who think they could handle a bucking
bronco should give this monster a whirl. Not recommended for those with piles.
And More Parties: The newly opened T.W. One nightspot,
bar and restaurant (Walking Street, next door to New Sexy) will be celebrating
part owner Steve’s birthday on Tuesday night, September 5. There will be a
free buffet (no doubt pork will be a feature) for those who wish to continue to
expand their girth after all the partying over the weekend.
T.W. One was formerly the site of Tony’s Cool Spot but has
had a major refit. Steve and his partner are still in the process of developing
the site but the aim is to serve cheap but good quality Thai food (most dishes
are around the 50 baht mark) as well as international cuisine from their open
plan kitchen as well as conducting a disco featuring 70s and 80s music. The view
of Pattaya Bay from the balcony, either during the day or night, makes T.W. One
well worth a visit.
And Even More Parties: This coming Thursday night
(September 7) will see Starnight (Soi 6) holding a double birthday celebration.
Owner Kenny is planning a monster bash with heaps of free nosh (pork pies, pasta
and chicken) to make his wife Star’s 23rd and his daughter Nadine’s 21st
birthdays a time to remember. Nadine is flying in from England for the party.
The den is open from about 7:30pm until 2:00am and all beer is just 70 baht a
bottle, all night. Starnight is a real oasis considering it is the only genuine
den in the gap between Soi 2 and Soi 8.
Out of the Rumour Mill: The welcome mats are being dusted
off in preparation for the arrival in Pattaya Bay of some 7,000 US sailors
currently lolling about below decks aboard the vessels that comprise the battle
group headed by the USS Abraham Lincoln. Apparently some of the swabbies have
been exchanging e-mails with the staff of a couple of ogling dens. I don’t
know how long the crew-cut seafarers are going to stay in town but it is also
rumoured that some 50 Australian Rules Football (AFL) players are also likely to
hit town sometime this month. My money is on the Aussie football players
guzzling more of the amber fluid in a day than the entire ship’s company of
the Abraham Lincoln can consume in a week.
My e-mail address is: [email protected]
Copyright 2000 Pattaya Mail Publishing Co.Ltd.
370/7-8 Pattaya Second Road, Pattaya City, Chonburi 20260, Thailand
Tel.66-38 411 240-1, 413 240-1, Fax:66-38 427 596; e-mail: [email protected] |
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