Dear Hillary,
Thought you’d like to know your (sic) not always right you know. Your (sic) always on about the bar girls and how you’ll get ripped off, but let me tell you about Da, she and me meet three months ago and we’re going to get married next year. She’s been with me all that time and we never have a bad word together. She’s a gem and she came from a bar too, so don’t go telling everyone to stay away from the bar girls. They are just as good as the uppity girls you are pushin (sic) on to everyone.
Jim
Dear Jim,
Have you heard of the phrase “One swallow doesn’t make a summer”? I am glad you are happy with your Da, but three months is not a long time, Jim. Tell me how you both are in three years. I shall cross my fingers for you, Petal.

Dear Hillary,
I have a 42 year old friend coming from Pakistan to stay for a couple of weeks. He does not drink alcohol. Where can I take him in Pattaya, as all the bars serve alcohol? I don’t want to embarrass him.
Paul
Dear Paul,
You will not be embarrassing him taking him anywhere. As he does not drink alcohol, he is quite used to sitting with people who do. Goodness me, he is 42 years of age. You will have more problems with him falling in love with lady-boys, than imagining he will turn into a drunken pumpkin if he sees alcohol.

Dear Hillary,
Like a lot of people I am having problems with the new facebook pages. I had just managed to work the old one and now they’ve changed it and I can’t find anything. Do you have this problem? What can we do about it? Help, Hillary. I had 647 friends out there and none of them can help me. Someone posted a sign which read “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” I agree.
Jenny
Dear Jenny,
I’m sorry my Petal, I am still at the quill pen and inkwell stage of communication. How can you have 647 friends? I don’t even know 647 people. Go back to ringing your friends up on the phone, instead of blabbing your affairs to 647 people, the majority of which you could not really know. And before you ask, I am not on facebook! Or Twitter or anything else.

Dear Hillary,
Most of your writers seem to have a problem with one girl. Mine’s different. I’ve got a two girl problem. The office building where I work has women everywhere. Ten floors of gorgeous babes, but the best two are right on my floor, but they work in the same company and in the same office. I chat to them both and I have suggested to them (singly) that we could go out one night and go to a disco or something. Both of them seemed quite happy at this, but here’s the problem. If I take the first one out the other will know, or vice versa. I like them both. They are gorgeous, can speak English and each of them is my ideal GF. But how do I find out which one is really mine?
Julian
Dear Julian,
I don’t think I’ve ever met an easier problem to solve, Petal. Take them both out at the same time. Thai girls will not want to go out on their own for first dates anyway (unless you are working in a go-go bar), so you just invite them both, and tell them that you are inviting the other as well, and over the course of the evening you’ll soon know which one suits you best. There is one other problem that you have overlooked in your whirlwind desire, and that is - will you suit them best? I hope you are not disappointed.

Dear Hillary,
I parked a rental car in Second Road the other day, and as they say in Wales, “When I came back, there it was, gone!” I went to the rental company as I thought it must have been stolen, but they rang around and it was then I found that the people who had “stolen” the car were the police themselves. Apparently I had parked in a no parking area, so they towed my car away. Now here’s the part that I am most annoyed about - it cost 800 baht to get it back and the rental company insisted that I pay it. Since they hadn’t warned me about this parking problem, I believe they had not shown due diligence, so they should have been responsible for the fine and not me. What do you think, Hillary?
Peter Parker
Dear Peter Parker,
You’ve been watching too many detective shows on TV, Petal. When you rent a car in Thailand, you are responsible for it while it is in your possession. What did you want the rental company to do? Employ a minder for you? Sorry, next time be more careful, and chalk it up to experience. Ignorance of the laws is not accepted as a valid excuse in any country.