Dear Hillary,
A few weeks ago you had someone called Ginger write to you complaining about older foreigners, which then produced a few reader’s letters all saying what a berk he was. What I want to know is why is it that young people try and put us older chaps down all the time? I would have thought that since they are so “superior” they wouldn’t worry about us older chaps at all. Seems they are afraid of the grey power revolution. I may be a pensioner, but I’m not afraid of them. What do you think Hillary (you must be one of us as you’ve been doing this job for a few years now).
Old Jim

Dear Old Jim,
It has been a few years of slaving over a hot keyboard, my Petal, but I’m not really a “grey power” person. I just like to keep to myself with my chocolates and champagne for company. However, I agree with you, in that what do these young people expect their elders to be doing. Sitting at home knitting? If an older fellow finds a sweet young thing to look after him, just what is wrong with that? So we all know that she is being paid in the position (no sniggers please, an unintentional pun), but if it works for both parties, then there is a mutual understanding which doesn’t need young people pointing fingers. Grey power Old Jim, just ignore the young chaps, and you enjoy yourself. With your pension and all, you can probably outspend the youngsters too.

Dear Hillary,
I saw that Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon, has just died. He did that first moon walk 40 something years ago but there are still people out there who say that it was a fake and they filmed it all in Arizona. Would you believe that, Hillary? He’s supposed to have kept quiet about it all for 40 years! What a story he could have sold to the newspapers! And there were the other astronauts on that first mission too. How did they keep them quiet? Agree with me?
Lester

Dear Lester,
Of course he landed on the moon. If it was faked, don’t you think the other two astronauts would spill the beans? But even more likely is that the Russians would have shown it to be just Arizona and not the lunar surface and made America look small? Or do the doubters think Russia was in on the act too? The world seems to be full of conspiracy theorists these days. Just remember that Hillary is ‘real’. You can depend on it. Would I lie to you my Petal?

Dear Hillary,
I am coming over at Xmas for a few weeks R&R and would like to know if it is safe to drink the water there in Pattaya? If not, should I bring my own from the US where the water is very safe?
Jay

Dear Jay,
The best way to drink water here is to dilute it about 50 percent with alcohol, which as everyone knows is a disinfectant (that’s why they rub it on the skin before you get your shots). Many different brands of alcohol for you to try and any of the helpful ladies in the Beer Bars will assist you in your selections. I am still chuckling at the thought of you bringing in 14 liters of drinking water for each week of your holiday. No, while the local tap water is not guaranteed to be safe for drinking, the bottled water available everywhere is safe. Ice, other than shaved ice from big blocks, is also safe.

Dear Hillary,
I enjoy your bits each week and the advice is right on. It’s always fun to read and you give me a smile each week. Somebody said you should get a raise from your editor and I reckon so too. You are doing a public service so you should get the top dollar. All the ones in the US like Oprah get big money, so should you. Keep up the good work.
Harry

Dear Harry,
Aren’t you just the nicest man! Comparing poor little Hillary with the mighty Oprah! However there are some differences between us, you know. She’s in America, for one! You worry me though, when you say you “enjoy my bits” each week. What “bits” are we talking about here? Some of my bits are never discussed here in the column. This is a family newspaper Hughie. As far as a raise is concerned, I’ll show your letter to the editor, but he’ll just laugh and say I made it up. By the way, are you the ‘real’ Harry of the British family jewels fame? If so, could you please send some more photos, but a bit sharper than the ones I have seen, which were a trifle blurred. I am also not good at playing pool, so we would make a good team. Let me know when the next party is on. You can send a helicopter for me.