Dear Hillary,
Against all the advice of people I used to call friends, I am going to marry a sweet little doll, who used to work in a beer bar. She was only there for a couple of years and doesn’t work there any more and hasn’t for about six months. I want to marry this woman, but because of her past life, do you think I should get a check-up before we tie the knot?
Jim

Dear Jim,
You’re having me on, aren’t you my Petal. Do I think you should have a check-up? Yes Jim, and start off with a psychiatric evaluation first. Do I think she should have a check-up? Yes Jim, and a few blood tests would be in order too. I suppose you want to have children as well, so in that case that’s more testing, and for both of you. I hope you make it, Jim. But I wouldn’t want to wager much money on it.

Dear Hillary,
There’s signs all over the place about motorcycle riders should wear helmets and every so often (towards the end of the month when police salaries are running low) there’s a blitz on them. Yet the riders continue to disobey the rules. Forget about the fact that they’re risking severe injuries and even death, how come they don’t get the message and just wear the damn things?
Leo

Dear Leo,
Everything you have said is quite true, but there are a couple of reasons why this situation arises. Firstly, Thailand is very hot and helmets are hot to wear, so the best place for the helmet is in the wire basket up front. Secondly, wearing a helmet messes up the rider’s hair, and Thai women wish to remain glamorous at all times. Thirdly, there’s always risks in life, and the chance that the friendly boys in brown are around the corner is just one the risks that Thai people are prepared to take. Just like riding up one-way streets the wrong way. Or riding under the influence of several liters of beer at Songkran. Or, or, or … the list is endless. While still on helmets, many of them are so flimsy they are quite useless, and the better ones don’t get done up. It’s a long hard road to sense, Leo.

Dear Hillary,
I know this is supposed to be a column for all those guys with broken hearts, and there’s plenty of them around, but I was wondering if you could tell me where I can find a good stationary shop? I don’t like blue biro’s, and have used a nib pen with black ink almost all my life, but for the life of me I cannot seem to find black ink and refillable nib pens, other than the dreadfully expensive ones like Mont Blanc and Cross and suchlike. Do you know Hillary?
George

Dear George,
Goodness me, you are one for the old-fashioned ways. I didn’t know anyone still used ink pens! However, I am told that B2B (in Central Festival) does have ink refills. There may be others, but I find that between the computer, text messages and the phone I don’t need to write on compressed trees any more.

Dear Hillary,
I never thought I would have this problem, but I’ve certainly got it now. I have met absolutely the best girl for me. She is really super and works in an office near mine, in the same building in fact, so I see her here every day. I’m not the sort to rush in, I have done the homework and she’s not married or attached or anything like that, but here’s the problem. The girls in my office who have done the detective work tell me that she doesn’t speak English. In fact, it seems she has no English at all. I really want to get close to this woman, but I haven’t got enough Thai to be able to chat her up or anything. What’s my next step, Hillary
Tongue Tied Ted

Dear Tongue Tied Ted,
What a dilemma! After hours of surveillance, and some none too subtle investigations, here you are, hormones raging at the thought of this nice young woman and you don’t know how to pop the question. Or any question, for that matter. You have just discovered a simple and inescapable fact, my tongue tied Petal. The country this woman lives and works in is called Thailand. That’s not “tongue tie”-land, either. This is her country, and the language she speaks gets her everywhere, and everything. There is a lesson for you here. If you want to have a relationship with this Thai lady, then go and learn some basic Thai. Then go and try it out on her. If she thinks you are a nice chap, she will even help you with the pronunciations. However, if she doesn’t respond, then you have to accept the fact that you didn’t make her hormones explode, the way she made yours. Best of luck with the language course, and better make it soon.