Dear Khun Hillary,
I like very much to meet good falang man and take care he. My fren say good falang not come Pattaya any more. Where go? Can give phone to me?
Lek

Dear Lek,
Thank you for your letter, and your English is quite good. You don’t say much about yourself, but I think you are a good girl trying hard, and I know it is hard to find a good man (farang or even Thai). Don’t believe your friend that there are no good men in Pattaya, and I am sure you will bump into a good one some day. If you bump into two, then you can send one to me!

Dear Hillary,
I have met what I am sure is the girl of my dreams. She’s gorgeous, lives at home and comes from a good family. I am going to ask her out to dinner. Where do you recommend? I’m not sure if she eats western food. I want to make a good impression as this will be the first date.
Jerome

Dear Jerome,
Just how did you meet this paragon of virtue? Lives at home, from a good family, presumably doesn’t work (or need to work) and you want to invite her to dinner. Listen Petal, I think you are so far out of your league here that you have no chance. How do you know if she only eats seaweed? What restaurant are you going to pick then? (Probably one by the sea would be a good start;-)) How old are you Jerome? Are you sure your Mummy and Daddy will let you out after dark? On the other hand, you may be trying to be funny here, but in actual fact, all you are is “trying”.

Dear Hillary,

I’m probably not the first to ask this, but why do Thai women sit sideways on motorcycles? When did it start? Have they always done this? You would never see anything like this in England, so it really blows me away every time.
Sam

Dear Sam,
You seem to have your eyes open here, but you must have had them closed in the UK. Go to any horsey event and you will see women riding side-saddle. Even the Queen of England rides side-saddle for the trooping of the color. However, getting back to your question regarding riding side-saddle here, it is for the sake of decency, young man. How can a woman in a long skirt, or even more in a short skirt, look polite and decorous with the hem hitched up above the hips, and legs hanging down each side of motorcycle (or horse or elephant)? Thai women have had wrap skirts for years and rode buffaloes side-saddle, long before the motorcycle arrived in the villages.

Would you prefer it if we gazetted laws like those in Montana’s State laws, “No passenger shall be carried in a position that will interfere with the operation of the motorcycle or quadricycle or the view of the operator.” And again, “No person operating a motorcycle or quadricycle shall carry any packages, bundles, or articles which would interfere with the operation of said vehicle in a safe and prudent manner.” Those two laws would bring the local motorcycle community to a grinding halt. No small child in front of the rider, and a side-saddle passenger or two on behind and no shopping bags hanging from the rear vision mirrors. The streets would be empty, Petal!

Dear Hillary,
What is the situation when you split from a live-in girlfriend? Does she have any legal rights to your property, cars, houses and such. I’ve been with this girl for about a year, and I said it’s time to change, so she’s already got the hand out and wants the house and the car. Hand them over, or tough it out? What is your advice?
Jack

Dear Jack,
You are asking the wrong person, Petal. This is Hillary, with heart medicine for those injured in love, not a lawyer specializing in marital problems (though in your case it might be ‘martial’ problems). Foreigners cannot own houses in Thailand in their own names, so many just put the house in the girlfriend’s name, which is not such a smart move if there is a break-up. If the piece of paper says it is hers, she is then legally entitled to it. Same goes with cars and other big ticket items. Since you went into the relationship, apparently knowing there would be a time to move on (“time to change” you wrote), then you should have been clever enough to protect your interests. See a lawyer.

Dear Hillary,
Love your column darling, but I had to deliver this by hand as I don’t know your email address. How about putting it at the bottom of the column?
Will

Dear Will,
Where there’s a will there’s a way, as they say. Good idea, Petal. Here we are at the bottom of this week’s column, so try [email protected]. That should do the trick. But by the way, I’m not your “darling”!