I am at a loss to understand the misguided logic of some people who come to the Land of Cheap Booze who say they don’t mind coughing up increasing amounts of baht for the sauce they consume. Their reasoning is based on the misguided premise that ‘back in [insert name of country here], I’d be paying [insert large amount of dollars, pounds, francs, shekels] for this drink, but here it’s only costing me 115 baht.’

The reason you are paying through the nose in your own Developed Nation (such as Australia, the United States, Britain) and not the same in a Developing Nation (such as Thailand) is that the rents and salaries in a Developed Nation are commensurate with the standard of living in those countries.

However, here in the Land of Small Monthly Wages, where your foreign moolah gets you a fat wad of baht, you think the prices are so ridiculously cheap that you can’t understand why anybody would complain.

Well, that’s because you are comparing apples with rubber simulation devices. Just take a little time and look around the local scene and start comparing the various prices charged in similar establishments. Here in Fun Town, as well as Bangkok, the disparity is such that one place might be charging 70 baht for a bottle of beer while another, just down the road, is asking 95 baht for the same cask of amber fluid. They pay the same impost when purchasing the product, but one den decides to ‘sting’ its punters while the other hopes to build a solid and regular clientele.

Certainly, Walking Street prices are higher than other areas of Pattaya, simply because the rents in these places are steeper than, for example, Soi Post Office or Soi Yamato. So, we accept that prices will be a little higher, but despite this, the gap between various dens and boozers can be quite astounding. A five baht difference here and there is of little consequence, but sometimes the difference is in the range of 20 plus baht for places that are almost side-by-side.

Queen for a Night: The Tahitian Queen II ogling den (Soi BJ, Walking Street) held its annual dance competition recently, and drew a standing-room only crowd of imbibers and urgers. The chrome pole palace started with 16 dancing maidens from its own den as well as contestants from TQ 1, The Dollhouse, Las Vegas and Paris ogling dens, The Blues Factory boogie barn and Winchester dine and dash establishment.

The prize to the lucky winner was a one baht gold chain, while the runner-up copped a half-baht chain, third place a quarter-baht chain and the fourth placed maiden had to make do with 1,000 baht in cash.

To pick the winner, a couple of poor unfortunates were handed the poisoned chalice and asked to judge the contestants.

The festivities commenced around 8:30 p.m. and stretched on until around midnight with the field being whittled away over a series of three rounds before the finale.

The music was good hard rock and roll and the maidens were dancing like their very lives depended on each performance, which just gives the lie to the claims by so many Thai DJ’s around town that the girls ‘can’t dance to lock and loll, they lie tekno too mutt’. No, it’s the DJ’s who like ‘techno too much’.

Of all the ogling dens in Walking Street, TQ II offers the best value for those who don’t necessarily indulge in large amounts of the giggle sauce, with soft drinks at just 65 baht. Lady drinks are 99 baht with beer between 90 and 99 baht, except in happy hour when it drops to 79 baht.

Open wide and say ‘aarggh’: In the interests of occupational health and safety, the owners of the Spicy Girls ogling den (Pattayaland Soi 1) have, since the beginning of May, enlisted the services of a reputable government doctor to check once a week that their dancing maidens are as clean as the proverbial whistle. This excludes whistles blown by Bangkok policemen and hotel parking attendants. Every three months the dancers will be checked for HIV while any new employees are tested immediately.

The doctor will also be supplying free prophylactics for the girls to use as they see fit...preferably on customers. The owners of the den are meeting all costs for this commendable service.

A piece of the Atlantic in the Pacific: Just across the road from the Sabai Room bathing salon is a small oasis of beer boozers and one of the most progressive and well-marketed is the Atlantic.

It has one of the best logos in Fun Town as well as a large-screen TV and recently celebrated two years of operation by taking over and remodelling the boozer next door.

The place is always clean, the maidens well groomed and the Atlantic has added a new dimension by installing ‘magic’ pool tables where the balls glow in the dark. I suggest anyone experiencing anything similar seek immediate medical attention.