Stingy Swede

Dear Hillary,
I just finish with boyfriend old Sweden. Him say he take me to Sweden but make big excuse every time. I get visa and everything. Pay myself, not ask him for money. Say take me over now for one year but not take over. I look after he when he come twice a year. Stay in room me. Not ask rent. I think him stingy man. Why farang tell lies all the time? I not look for farang man any more.
Kulap (Rose)

Dear Kulap (Rose),
Thank you for your letter, and I am sorry you have been disappointed in this relationship. But you must remember that not all Thai girls are like you, and not all farang men are like your old boyfriend. In the future, it will be better if you don’t go “looking” for a boyfriend, but just wait till the right man comes along. He is the one who makes your heart jump, and you do the same for him. He will appear, K. Rose, but just let it happen. Don’t go looking everywhere for where ‘your’ farang is hiding.

A chaperone for Jim
Dear Hillary,
I have found a very nice young Thai woman, and not in the bar scene, so it’s a bit different from what I’ve been used to in the last two years. I’m not young, though not over the hill like some of the people I see round here. I do know how to give a woman a good time, and I don’t mean sex, and look forward to taking her to some nice restaurants and shows. We haven’t actually gone out yet, but she’s been giving me the idea that we would have to take someone with us if we do go out. A chaperone at my age? Should I agree to this, after all it’s 2011 not 1911. I do want to get to know her better.
Jim

Dear Jim,
You’ve got this the wrong way round, Jim my Petal. The chaperone is not for you, the chaperone is for her. You are at least of mature age, by your letter, while she is “young”. Her family wants to protect her from people such as yourself, no matter how good a time you are promising her. You are considerably older than her and have spent the past two years in the bar scene, by your own letter. If you want to progress with this relationship, you must not just agree for a chaperone to be present, but you should suggest it, when you do ask her out to that dinner or a show. She will be appreciative of your gesture, and you will get that opportunity you want to get to know her better. By the way, make sure that the restaurant also does Thai food. She does not sound as if she is used to foreign ways, customs and cuisines.

Symphony Concerts
Dear Hillary,
This may sound funny but it isn’t and is really a very embarrassing problem for me, so please don’t use my real name. From my childhood I have suffered from wind for many years. My mother even tells me I had it when a baby. Beer brings it on, so does spicy Thai food, so I steer well clear of them. Living on my own it is not too much of a problem as I can let one rip whenever I like, but now I’ve got a problem. I have just taken up with a lovely young lady and after three months it is obvious that she would be willing to spend some nocturnal quality time with me. I am now really afraid, because my music can happen while I’m asleep and is enough to wake the dead I have been told before. I don’t want her to hear the Charge of the Light Brigade and be put off by the musical items that my bottom can produce, so what do you suggest? I can’t stay awake all night with my legs crossed as well as my fingers.
Flatulent

Dear Flatulent,
You have my sympathies, Flatulent, as opposed to my symphonies. You have several choices, however. You can opt to remain celibate and join the clergy, but your flatulent fits might be misunderstood as music to some cleric’s ears. You could train yourself to be able to play the Charge of the Light Brigade, and make money from your musical bottom. A French entertainer did just that. Called Le Petomane, he was a famous flatulist and he could musically extinguish a candle at one meter, as well as play the sol-fah scale. If you don’t want to come out in the open, then you can have a further look at your diet and avoid milk products and green beans, as well as the beer and som tum, and see if that helps. Have you tried camomile tea before going to bed? If all else fails, you could always get the young lady concerned to ‘burp’ you before settling down for the night. That is what your mother would have done.