Alzheimer’s Society
Dear Hillary,
Happy New Year and I want to wish all your readers a Happy New Year as well, though I’m a bit late. I look forward to reading your journal every couple of weeks, after a couple of beers. Always seems to make the world spin a bit faster, eh? Anyway I hope your team wins in the cup and you get lots of champagne to celebrate.
Irving

Dear Irving,
I don’t know what you’ve been taking, my Petal, or even what you are reading, but this newspaper comes out every week, not every couple of weeks. And you are completely correct, New Year was about eight months ago. That’s slightly more than “a bit” late. Nevertheless, it’s nice to hear from you and I hope you’ve got tickets for the 2008 Olympics. You wouldn’t want to miss it, would you? (Where do these people come from? And they allow them to breed!)

Shocking! Disgusting! Says who?
Dear Hillary,
Against my better judgment I came over to Thailand on holiday from the UK and I am shocked by what I see here, going on night and day. I can (almost) put up with the rows of beer bars with young women trying to get people to sit down and drink. I can put up with the fact there are gogo bars with women displaying their bodies as some sort of tourist attraction, but I cannot put up with the way old men walk around with young teenage Thai girls hanging on to their arm. They all have such smug looks on their faces with a ‘Look at me, aren’t I clever’ expression. Don’t they know, or doesn’t anybody tell them that they are just being taken for a ride? They’re not clever. They’re being stupid. It’s disgusting. I feel like going up and giving them a damn good kicking.
Derbyshire Dad

Dear Derbyshire Dad,
You amaze me, Petal. I didn’t think the Old Prudes Society was still going. It must be difficult to get enough members these days, but then I suppose with the pills that are available these days, trouble with the members isn’t like it used to be.

When you say, “They all have such smug looks on their faces with a ‘Look at me, aren’t I clever’ expression,” are you referring to the old men, or the “barely teenage” girls, Petal? Honestly it’s about time you got off your sanctimonious soapbox, Derbyshire Dad and stopped being so judgmental. Have you ever stopped to consider this - they are smiling because they have found themselves in a situation which is good for both of them. The young girls have found a financial ‘sponsor’, whilst the old men have found themselves a gorgeous young companion who will take care of their every need (until the money runs out). They know what the name of the game is, Petal. So what is so wrong with it? It is a win-win situation, so no need to be shocked. Can the man down the pub get a deal like that back home in Derbyshire? No, he’s more likely to get a “What dya think you’re lookin’ at?” kind of response.

Has his cake and eats it too?
Dear Hillary,
My boyfriend (who comes from Manchester like me) generally has a few drinks with the lads after work. The other day he came home very late and very drunk. He said the bar they use as their local bought him a birthday cake the other day, and the girls all made a big fuss of him. Is this the usual thing around here, or have I got something to worry about? I have no real reason to suspect him as it only happened the once, it’s more that I think I need reassurance.
Worried GF

Dear Worried GF,
You have nothing at all to worry about, unless he starts having birthdays every week. The girls in the bar are happy to celebrate anybody’s birthday, especially if they get a drink and a slice of cake too. That is the way things are done round here, so stop worrying immediately. What you should do next year is arrange the party in the bar yourself, then you get some cake and drinkies as well.

Get out from my face!
Dear Hillary,
I’m from America and I am not used to going into a bar to be propositioned. I don’t want to have someone ask me where I come from. It is my business only if I am married. I don’t want people to know how much money I make. How many children I have is my affair. Why doesn’t someone tell these girls in the bars that not everyone wants to tell them personal details? All I want is a quiet beer!
Charlie

Dear Charlie,
What are you worried about? These girls aren’t from the CIA or the IRS, they are just doing their job as well as they can and you’re lucky they can converse as much as they can. If you don’t want the girls to talk to you then don’t drink in beer bars. You can buy a bottle of beer and sit alone in your room or drink in more up-market watering holes!