Dear Hillary,
I would like to come and visit you on my next trip to Thailand and present you with some champagne (the good stuff, naturally) and chocolates (soft centers, naturally). Do you work out of the Pattaya Mail offices on Second Road? Or where do I find you?
Martin

Dear Martin,
Aren’t you a lovely fellow, remembering that champers and chockies are my favorite menu items, and yes, I’ll have a second helping. I’m sorry but I can’t give you my home address, but since you know where the Pattaya Mail offices are, you can leave anything there for me. Make sure you label everything “For Hillary Only!” otherwise things have a habit of going missing, and the office boy is hiccupping a lot!

Dear Hillary,
I can’t stop myself trying to hit on middle-aged women. I reckon that they should be getting pretty frustrated by the time they’re in their 40’s, and with so many young beauties about the place they should be pretty pleased to get some attention from a young good looking man like me. Do you think this is a project that can work? I don’t want to get a knock-back, so need to be pretty sure of the next step. What do you reckon, Hillary?
Jeff

Dear Jeff,
I love to read self-opinionated letters from young studs like you, who are so full of themselves, there’s nothing left for anybody else. I wouldn’t go on with this “project”, Petal. I think the first middle-aged lady you might try and “hit on” will slap your face and send you packing. Not just a knock-back, but a slap-down as well. Time you grew up young Jeff, and stick to ladies your own age (as long as they are more than 18 years old).

Dear Hillary,
I’ve been here for about 10 years already and it beats me how all these blokes get themselves into so much trouble with the local girls, and end up writing in to you for advice (but you can’t help these people). Surely they know that their most important feeture (sic) lies in their trousers, and it’s not in the crutch, but in the pockets. Don’t they know it after all this time? Who would go out with these sad sacks if they weren’t being paid? Somebody called them the “living dead” and I reckon that’s about the best they would be. The local girls will soon finnish (sic) them off, or at least their bank accounts.
Pool table Pete

Dear Pool table Pete,
You sound like you’re speaking from experience. Been ripped off too? But aren’t you the high and mighty one now? So what if these “living dead” as you and your friends call them are getting a little fun and excitement in their lives, even if it is towards the end. At last count there were no pockets in shrouds, so they can’t take it with them. Why not have a little fun, even if they are paying for it? In their own countries, they can’t even pay for some fun, as all the moralists come down on such an idea. When you look at it all, without putting some sort of judgment on it, it is a win-win situation all round. He gets looked after, while she gets money to send home to mother who will be looking after the baby left to her by the boyfriend who ran away as soon as he knew she was pregnant. It may not be the ideal situation, Pete, but we live in an imperfect world. Just like your spelling. Learn to live and let live, Petal.

Dear Hillary,
My car was involved in an accident while it was parked at the side of the road with nobody in it. A large 4WD just clipped the front mudguard and bumper bar on my car. Not much damage (probably about 4,000 baht and that’s all), but his insurance company made such a palaver, requiring copies of passports, blue book, driver’s license, etc. The other driver admitted that it was his fault and we had to stand around for two hours with all the nonsense. Surely there is a better way to fix this when there is only one driver involved? I wasn’t even near the car, for Pete’s sake! Is it always like this in Thailand?
Henry

Dear Henry,
You have my sympathies, Petal. Thais that work for insurance companies are very good at form filling, as you have found out. They also follow a proscribed flow sheet in times like this, and every line must be filled in and every t must be crossed and every i dotted. Failure to complete any step means you go back to square one. This is why you should employ the services of an agent who can take you through the minefield while you spend some happy hours at a bar of your choosing. I have mentioned before that you should have an insurance broker to do all this for you. Next time try a safe place to park. The side of the road is just too dangerous round here!