There is a weakness that is particularly frequent among people in service
professions, causing burnout and depression rates in the service industry to be
some of the highest.
The ‘Helper Syndrome’ describes a strong drive to make other
people feel better. In some cases it is done to ease or divert the helpers from
their own pain. But by no means you have to be a ‘professional’ helper to behave
this way; it can be a friend, neighbor, associate or yourself who is vulnerable
to getting pulled into responsibilities and tasks that others wouldn’t even
think about taking at the first place.
The Helper Syndrome can contribute to outright abusive forms
of relationships: the ‘helper’ might increasingly experience signs of burnout or
feel exploited, and their highest efforts might increasingly be taken as a
matter of course with little gratitude for their support - no matter how much
energy the helper invests, he might never get to a point where everyone is
satisfied.
Another unhealthy aspect of the helper syndrome can be a lack
of self-awareness and abuse of the responsibility a helper has towards the
helped. This is because a helping relationship is typically unbalanced; people
are not on equal footing. A good helper will be sensitive to the imbalance,
while an abusive helper will ignore or even seek it. Instead of supporting the
other in becoming stronger or looking for additional (often: professional) means
of support, the helper tries to keep them dependent, and focuses on reaching
their very own goals. To achieve their goals they might even abuse their power,
or the trust of the recipient.
So whether the motives for such behavior are altruistic (‘I
want to give something back’, ‘I don’t want them to do the same mistakes I did’,
‘I want to share’, ‘I can do it!’) or driven by dubbing their own
psychological issues, it is always a sign of emotional imbalance and
exploitation, of oneself or others, if someone ignores their own limits and
tries to ‘fix’ everything only by themselves.
Typical forms of ‘helper’ relationships are: long-term
relationships of non-addicts with addicted, aggressive, selfish or controlling
personalities or relationships defined by a strong imbalance (with one partner
being the ‘teacher’, ‘the sugar-daddy’ or ‘the boss’). They are functional for
both, but quite resistant (and vulnerable) to change, which prevents at least
one of the partners from achieving greater self-esteem and realizing his or her
full potentials. While professional helpers can use supervision to reflect their
work, in our private lives we can just try to take care for ourselves to avoid
getting entangled in dysfunctional helping ambitions.
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Live the happy life you planned! Richard L.
Fellner is head of the Pattaya Counseling Center in Soi Khopai and
offers consultations in English and German languages (after making
appointments at 0854 370 470). |
